Elucidating Questions

When I think about dating

I don’t know what to do

I’m terrified that this will all just happen again

If I was allowed to construct the perfect man

Or person

He wouldn’t hit me, or push me, or smother me with a pillow

He’d be kind and accepting and understanding

Wouldn’t see me as my disease

Wouldn’t make fun of my disease

He would love me

I don’t think anyone has loved me like how I want him to love me

Talk to me

Understand me

God, I just want someone to understand me

Maybe we’d sing together

I wish I had someone to sing with

Maybe singing together would outshine me and Josh Ramsay singing together

Maybe it would be better than meeting him

Maybe we’d go camping in an RV that made everywhere feel like not really camping

Because I can’t sleep on the ground anymore

And he’d understand that

We could eat too much Chinese food

Or curry

He wouldn’t see my weight or my disease

He’d see me

Maybe he’d cook for me

Maybe he’d figure out ways I could cook without ending up exhausted

Maybe he’d take care of me

Like I’d take care of him

Did I mention he’d be kind?

Because he would be

Maybe I’d finally meet someone else who spots worms after the rain and puts them back in the dirt

Wouldn’t treat me like a sex toy

Wouldn’t say he’d be home in half an hour and then disappear for three

He wouldn’t drink excessively

Maybe

I wish I was allowed to make the perfect person