How I wish I could be free of these moments
Moments where I love him and I miss him
And he said “I love you” too.
What did it mean? Did it simply cease to exist in that moment?
Where did all of the love up until then go
I wonder
Whispers in spoken violence
I love him
Love me not
We must never speak again
Maybe you don’t “need” anybody else, especially if that demands codependency. So much strength, fire, power within you and it doesn’t require anybody else, it’s just there. “I need this, I need that, I need the other thing” always so much to need. “I don’t have this, I don’t have that, I don’t have the other thing. No matter how much I try, if it comes even close it turns out wrong, or it seems impossible I’ll ever find it ever at all.” Then you wake up, another day, with everything that happens in every other day except this one thing you miss, something or somebody you maybe never really had because of what? Desire to be loved, fucked, embraced, talked to, abused, ignored, ultimately hated or laughed away. People we lost, we never “had” them at all, and now they aren’t here, they had other places to go it seems. How can anybody ‘like’ that state of affairs?
And again I am sorry Magic Mage girl, this is just what I thought, and I probably should keep it to myself, but there is nobody else right now, and it’s 101 degrees, and there is your blue haired avatar looking right into me. I cannot tell you about all the people I loved and missed, they are like….bubbles in a stream flowing past me, or something, and it is all just maya, maya, maya, an illusion, a distraction from my real purpose, so sometimes I cry about it, because it feels good to cry when nobody can see you. The tears don’t really help, they just waste water and emotion, and I wish I didn’t but they are also a physical reminder, maybe the last there is, of so many things that never lasted long enough.
LikeLike
Elucidating Questions 
Leave a comment