Elucidating Questions

He’s going to have a criteria

• You must be hairless from the waist down (but he doesn’t want you to spend an hour in the bathroom what is wrong with you?)
• You must have perfect make up (but why do you spend so much time in the mirror, come on!)
• You must be clean and smell good (do you really need that many kinds of soap though? It’s not like the human brain learns to filter out scents it knows well or anything)

I’m sorry

When did men even get it in their heads that they were

Owed sex

Because they paid twenty dollars for dinner?

I spent half and hour in the shower doing all manner of handstands to get all the offending hair off of me

He probably won’t want to shave the beard you hate it’s a statement of who he is

But dictation of hair removal the other way is okay

Or he’ll say something

★Pro Feminist★™

You don’t have to shave if you don’t want to

(He’s not going to date you though)

And where did this

Stupid

Idea that I don’t want sex because I’m a female come from?

Show up to the date dressed like the virgin or the prostitute

The virgin doesn’t realise the prostitute got to bang Jesus and that all she got was some dude

Who apparently had the genetics of so and so who was made by so and so followed by so and so.

Did anyone notice that only one person in the Bible has a mom worth note?

It’s like moms didn’t exist until circa 0

Also they’re sexless and unattractive (this is called great reproductive behaviour because at least men aren’t breaking into mothers’ houses and killing all their kids, like bears)

Hey I see all your kids are dead do you want to make some more?

The kicker is that no sex is owed regardless of effort

No I don’t owe you sex because you held the door

That’s not chivalry that’s manipulation

Also you don’t owe me sex because I do rhythmic gymnastics to meet a criteria

I like it when you put it all on but I like it a little better when you take it all off

Why did I put it on then?

Why are we not all just naked because

Clearly…

That’s what doesn’t make sense to me

And humans suddenly realised they were naked (unlike every single creature on the planet) and rather than growing feathers or something to get attention we started

Seeing how many layers it takes to put on before someone wants to get to the centre of the Tootsie roll pop

But no one told you Tootsie rolls are fucking gross so why would you want that anyways?

And I’d really like to know who it was and when that decided this like

Men have sex drives

Women?¿‽

If she has one she’s a whore but if she doesn’t she’s a prude and

???

If you wanted to fuck someone why did you make it societally unacceptable for someone to want to fuck you back?

Or is that just some Victorian vomit still floating in the gutter

My god

They think being open physically is gross but have you seen their sewer system? I mean side walk? I mean, the Thames couldn’t support life until a decade or two ago but

I am a sexual being have you ever seen literally every other breeding creature ever?

Except Pandas

They’re stupid

Seriously

Koalas all have chlamydia

Koalas all have chlamydia

They’re cute as a fucking button and sharing their STIs with everyone because

Fuck it

At least we’ll all know who has chlamydia.

Cute as a fucking button fucking the button

Seriously

They say don’t’cha put it in your mouth ’til you ask someone you love

But, like, if it’s all the same, if I have permission I’m putting it in my mouth

All this taboo around enjoying something that every reproducing species does

Humans are so fucking weird

Like, one time, some seagulls had sex in front of me and I was like

That is loud

Meanwhile sequestered in quiet secrets couples do things they don’t talk about because someone might hear

Seagulls be out here doing some reverse voyeurism bullshit and meanwhile

Meanwhile humans are like

Let’s put sex everywhere

But make it inappropriate to talk about

Gathering around for a nice family venture of Soft Porn

Sorry I meant Game of Thrones

But don’t talk about it

It’s a secret

Don’t even get me started on otters.