Elucidating Questions

How many wakeful moments lost in a sea of the lost days

Were they real or just another whisper of

But then it looks like there’s no choice

And yes we’ve been here before

I knew it was February

How’d we get here so soon?

Forgot how to love.

Forgot to love.

How to forget how to.

Or something.

There’s no scrambling to figure out what was going on or why I felt how I felt

There had to be an answer.

There wasn’t.

So we just come to the end of it.

The same end without an end holding two threads that should have gone back together

But didn’t

And it never seems to make any sense to me how I can feel guilty for having feelings for someone and writing about it

And now when I’m trying my damndest to keep him out of my mind and everything

I can’t get away from him and I still feel guilty for mentioning him

How dare I be capable of writing for an entire year

It’s just the same shit over and over again just like everyone else

I don’t have pride

I don’t have pleasure

I have guilt

And

I don’t really have anything else.

Besides pain and insomnia

I’m so tired I can’t sleep

I just jump awake for an hour

And then spend the two hour windows dreaming nightmares or something uncomfortable or something that wakes me like

I’m in the other room how did I get here

Terrors

Nothing really

Matters anymore

I already know I

I don’t know what good I could be for the world

I wonder if I can

I wonder if I will want to keep this if anything ever gets better

Wouldn’t that be funny

I can’t write anymore

I’m too happy

Or dead

And either way that would be better so

Maybe I’ll finally be free when I finally find a better place.