Elucidating Questions

So you want to be better so you set out all the ways you should be could be wish to be

It only takes so long to realise what a mess

You see yourself in a better place and the list

Is impossible

I’d like to be less lonely you whisper to yourself on the verge of tears after 48 hours of spending quality time with yourself

I’d like my mind to like me

At least

At least

I want friends and family

Circumstance snorts and you realise,

I am not in my master plan.

How could I like me when there are so few that like me?

I’d have to be a narcissistic fuck to take the data provided and say,

I’m worth liking.

And then comes the stretch

You want friends and family?

Like a discount or what?

You don’t like yourself

You can’t blame others for not liking you

Who is this person who has friends and family?

You get what you’re given

And you ought to be grateful

Ingrate.

I wish I could at least live somewhere

A small community where people know my name

Isn’t it ironic that your ancestors ensured you would never be able to live somewhere like that

Thanks ancestors

I said I wanted a family and the past winked

And how can I be present in a

Place where I cannot possibly be the person I’m describing in

★The Better Life★™

Who is that?

They have friends, they’re “happy”, they

Are they afraid like me?

Afraid that every relationship is going to be a

Gotcha

Moment

Every time I wish I had someone to hold on to I think

I would have to die to live the life I want

Self

That me doesn’t lie awake all night

Or have night terrors

Or have night sweats

Or cry in the morning from the shock of waking up

That me can do things

Unlike me

This preferred life

Isn’t mine.