Elucidating Questions

The next little while will be difficult

I was so sure

I don’t know why I was so sure

I don’t remember what led to it started it why

Time’s up

Hit my head so squarely why it felt like

Now or never

Why it felt like I wasn’t the only one that I was behind that everyone knew and I was slow

Like

Someone was waiting for something

Who what when where why

I don’t know why

If only I could wake up and have it be then I would try to get a start early I’d leave him out of it because I still worry I hurt him

Even when I’m doing things that would hurt him

I wish I could make his life better by never having been in it

I

Don’t know what tomorrow could possibly be good for or the next or the day after

And I’m still invisible

No one ever

I don’t know how I’m supposed to go from here everyone is slowly disappearing

First it was Piche

Then it was Amber

Now it’s Lewis

Without them what is the point of my last name it doesn’t have any meaning without them

They won’t meet up I know how things go

You go and never say

Hello

Again

Goodbye all the people who used to exist

Now they exist elsewhere

I was so certain

So certain that everything was going to be right

Why?

Why?

And the pain was ignore-able

And I felt

Happy and safe and I felt paranoid as hell

But I had good reason

I still don’t understand what she meant by password

I don’t understand what was happening

What happened

I don’t understand

I thought we were going to finished this year hand in hand

Knowing we’d at least tried to start something right

At least we’d tried

Regardless of what comes

Just a glance at eachother and at least that moment would exist

And we would be together

I thought

I thought you’d have rung by now

I thought you’d have called around

I thought you’d have come round

I thought you’d have seen me

I just wanted to be seen

Really seen

By someone this year

And the person who got closest is up island on a ferry living his dream wishing I’d never message him again

And the person I wanted to see me is on the other side of the fault line

If he knows I exist he is trying to break me. He’s trying to drive me insane. He’s trying to hurt me and I don’t know why.

Or

I’m invisible

And I don’t know how it happened

I wish I hadn’t lived to see the day I was twenty seven

Now it looks like I’m going to be forced to see the day I’m twenty eight years old

I wish I didn’t have to

I wish this year had never happened