Elucidating Questions

We’re just

Not

Compatible

He says sitting across from me with a sheet so white I wonder what he could possibly have written there

Just not compatible

He repeats I say

I do not understand officer

Can anyone tell me how I’m supposed to know what I’m looking for when I’ve never

Been in a relationship that felt right even for a second my entire life?

Never

Because the ones I was in were never what I needed in the moment

Nothing ever goes quite right

They ruin everything

I want somewhere where things just go right for once

That’s it

How hard is this for reality to grasp?

Over here we’ve got beasts of excess

And over here we have those who fight for their lives like animals

And it’s their faults more than ours but it’s our faults too and being unable

I’m sorry

Unwilling thus unable

To do anything

Just makes it worse

But you knew that

That’s why this happened.

Because it’s fun to watch and you’re a sick fuck who thinks tricking me with moments that lead to nothing over and over and over again

Is fun to watch

You only love me in the way a sick psychopath loves the image he created of his trapped victim “behaving”

And you make me think like you because if I don’t I can’t handle it

I can’t handle knowing every day I lead my

Absolutely miserable life

That because I am living this life I don’t even fucking want to live

People are dying or will die or have died

Every single fucking day I’m alive someone has to die for me to be here and I can’t stand it

So I hide away in this human desire but all it desires is love and affection and

Maybe it’s because I’m like you

Maybe it’s because we’re “alike” maybe it’s because I believed

Somewhere

That something would

Somehow

Make things better

Maybe that’s why they don’t love me

I don’t know what real life is anymore

But I wish I could give up my spot for someone else who deserves better but

Then probably they’d suffer their entire lives and death was the kindness I stole from them

So maybe we’re just making damn sure that all those who are good don’t have to live another day in this hell

I’m not dead yet

So I must not be good

And really wish I could just stop

Quit

Give up

But when have I ever managed to give up?

If I could just let go

But I’m awake still so we know how that goes now

Don’t we?

Maybe if I had someone lying with me I think

But there’s no one not even a sign of someone

I was just thinking of you

At coworker

Guy and his dog:

I thought you were talking to me

Maybe if you tried harder not to make conversations that look a lot like the whole

Guy and dog

Thing

Or

Crows

Or

Oh it just goes and goes and goes

Don’t mind me.

Mind me minding me, however, because minding myself was never part of the plan

I’ve been alone so long with myself in my head

It’s always been like this too I just never said anything outloud

And even now

What it isn’t is out or loud

Not a whisper not a breath

Not a sound no clever understanding

Of any kind

Just silence from all sides like

This?

And the canons go and I go then the world goes

Boom boom boom

It’s doing that thing where it’s calling but I could just ignore it because I don’t want to hear what 2018 sounded like

Too many thoughts in my head I just wanted to say that I

Bet my life on you

And I lost and

I wish I was dead