Elucidating Questions

I need you to be a buffer between me and my pain

I said matter-of-factly and you said

What the fuck?

And he said

Yeah makes perfect sense

And I said I know but they don’t know

How endorphins work

Sex is a literal fucking pain killer

Like

Fuck me it is the best fucking painkiller

Hahaha

Three laughing hags.

Had I fucking known that

I would be this sick

I would have fucking given up this anime bullshit and been a class five fucking slut

Fuck

This sucks.

This really sucks.

Do you remember when we walked around all of downtown talking about wonders and shit

How much I love him and why he matters so much and I had this

This feeling like everything was going to be okay and

Hedley was coming and they were always awesome and I thought I’d just written this like

Really lovely thing about how much I loved people but then it sounded like it got preachy and I don’t really remember when or why

And fuck

Everything is so fucked

Is that it?

Like we get one and then

You take it away?

I just really wanted to go to Hedley with him.

But when I asked him I thought he’ll never see it.

Like

Ever

Who the fuck am I?

But I was feeling all optimistic for some stupid fucking reason

I’ll try real hard

And be super kiss ass

And quote his lyrics at him I’ll be an

★ORIGINAL★™

Now it’s a quirk and I can’t stop.

Do you remember why my brain was so fucked?

Cause I don’t
And I tried to pour every second of it into like

~positive energy of hope and hope and wonder~

Sigh

Very controversial

I thought it would be cool

I didn’t realise when I did it that it was something literally no one had ever done or that no one would ever say yes to something that looks like me

Or that I’m invisible.

But I thought maybe

My god the panic

It’s that other thing now

Old memory

I don’t remember the thoughts

The feelings are clearer when I don’t muddy them with how I feel now

So fuuuuucking optimistic.

Cognitive something or other

Retrieval during conversion during low energy mode while pondering.

That’s what I’ve got of it so far anyways.

What a fucking failure this entire…

Whatever it was

Epic fucking mistake

Thinking I was ever good enough for him

What a joke I was

Fuck

Christ

What a fucking joke I was.

lol

No.

Fucking Mars and Saturn and Loki and

Hey bitches it’s a fantasy

lol someone just messaged me on tinder

GTG

But like

If I go

And I just forget this all happened or you know

“Forget” like I forget that I was molested or that I was emotionally abused or that I have crippling anxiety or that I’ve cried almost daily for this entire year or that I thought for some fucking reason that I had as much effect on the world as it has on me for one fucking second of my life

Does it just like

Cease to exist?

Did I die for a year and get reborn a year later with no sense of trust and no sense of what love was supposed to be and no sense of belonging and no sense of direction and just entirely fucking

Where I was

But feeling like I’ve walked

For miles and it’s in my spine and

I might never be the same again because tick

Tock

No one

No one ever called me

And sometimes maybe

Means never.