Elucidating Questions

日本はいつも無意識で応援した。

It’s thanks to Japan and no one else that I managed to be even balancing on my shaking legs

Not quite on my feet

All helping hands pulled away

They never found Japan

My younger siblings

And by Japan I mean

That thing

The thing that was calling them away from all this mess

The yelling

The slamming

The guilt

The explosions

The being set free at thirteen

Into the streets at midnight

They don’t know how to feed themselves

My stubborn chasing little sister

She worked incredibly hard to keep moving forward

But she needs a hand to hold her and the hands have been pushing out the door since

Since the door shut and opened at the same time

I feel like there must have been a day when I was young and being raised by the drawn out character on the screen

ちゃんとして

頑張って

面倒かけないで

皆のために戦って

I closed the door to my house but I was my parents shutting it on me and saying

And now go you’re grown

Though I was still growing

I worry about them

An adult who needs to be cared for

An adult who doesn’t know who he is

Because my father made him sick

And he couldn’t get out of bed

And he fucking ended up in the hospital on morphine and having possible surgery because my father

Couldn’t be fucked to raise his own spawn

Or clean the house

Or feed his children nutrients

Pizza fried chicken pierogies refried beans

No that’s about it

Raising four children

Every time food was eaten he yelled because it was eaten

So we didn’t

And the food rotted away

And he yelled

I was younger and still had faith in the future

Japan would come and I’d be so far away from him he’d never be able to get me again

But my youngest sibling he loved

And we blamed him for a long time even though it wasn’t his fault

It was fate

It was how it was going to be

The youngest son

Just like he

And he damn well made sure we would see and put my baby brother in the box that he

Was never in because his sisters loved him

But he imagined it and made sure his youngest son went in

And now I watch them from far away because we aren’t close and they don’t miss me when I’m not there

And just worry because I wasn’t able to make up the loss of parenting

Because I was a baby too

And now there’s nothing I can do

All I can do is watch

I worry about them

I love them