Elucidating Questions

Watch as it collapses

Right now I am not all all right but I am at least partially all right

And I know all those moments that were so awful I wanted to be gone didn’t matter

All the pain and the sadness didn’t matter

Nothing changed

So when I’m in those moments I know they don’t matter

And I hate myself more because I know it doesn’t matter that I feel that way, that nothing will change, that it’ll just wash away eventually like the tide

But I feel that way inside and it’s like I can’t control it

And I hate that I feel that way and I hate that I can’t not feel that way and I don’t know when the day it will go away will come

But at some point I take a breath above the waters of my mind and I look around slightly more awake without salt in my eyes

And it’s like when you close your eyes wishing you could open them somewhere else you think

Wouldn’t it be nice if something would change but the scene above is the same as the one below

And all that suffering meant nothing at all

So why did it even have to happen?

Why did I have to feel that way and why do I feel even infinitesmally better?

Nothing changed.

It’s not better I just know I can’t do anything

That I’m powerless hopeless and useless still regardless I can’t change this it’s the truth of my existence I just

Accepted how awful it’s all going to be and I went back to dreaming about the place at the end because I have no connection to this land

The final line erased

But I also know I’ll probably be right back at that place where the moment is so heavy I don’t want to be alone and I’ll scream and cry in my hole where no one hears it

I sigh

Shake my head shrug my shoulders

I don’t know what face to put on I don’t know

I sigh again I

Don’t have any words to explain why I’m alive besides I’m too lazy to kill myself off

My gods allfuckingmighty it takes effort

So what is there for a life that’s given up on life but can’t be fucking bothered to give up their place so some sorry fuck who thinks this has got to be the good life can come along and burn the planet alive because he has no fucking consideration for the planet he lives on but who the fuck cares it’ll be here anyway and you and me well we’ll all be dead and that’ll be

Fucking lovely

When it happens

Until then

Here I am

And I don’t even give a damn.