Elucidating Questions

This chronic disease keeps me lost in a cage

Constantly seeking not sympathy but acknowledgement of the pain

Cutting me off from the outside as they all get up and go while I need a half hour to fix all my bones

Aching of muscles and the sharp stabbing of joints out of place

Or in place just hurting

I say it hurts and they say

I hurt too

And write me off as a complainer or a downer

They don’t see me seeing them turning away as the lights fade out day after day

I can’t go out and play I have to stay in but no one comes around to even pretend to be my friend

And I’m desperate so I keep reaching out to what’s not in reach because I already tried those closest

They’re not coming to me.

In a room full of empty furniture I spend hours just killing hours wishing it would end

My head hurts my arms hurt my back hurts my legs hurt my feet hurt

My heart hurts

They don’t love you because you’re sick

Or because they think you’re faking it

So I wish it would show them for once something concrete

I pray for a new diagnosis that will erase me

Because it’s every day and it’s every night in the body that betrayed me

With the mind that never loved me to begin with

Locked away in a cage where I try to find the way out

But there isn’t one.

They say get up get out there but I’m just a piece of broken down garbage

How do you start any relationship with

Hello

I’m damaged goods

My body damaged itself

It’s probably caused by my father.

It’s probably never going to get better

I can’t do activities for long or I get exhausted and I’m in so much pain I don’t remember anything

I won’t remember your face or your name for at least a month and even then

I won’t be able to pick you out of a crowd because my mind is so broken it just focuses on pain now I can’t escape the world behind my eyes

God knows how many times I’ve tried

To break free of this cage that my body left me

How am I supposed to find somebody who will love me when I’m just this wreck of nothing

I hate the expression on their face when I tell them and if I don’t they push me too hard because I’m sick and they expect a functioning person

I didn’t want this.

I wanted to die this is a cheap inbetween parlour trick in the light

Everything hurts and I can’t breathe and I can’t even find someone who can comfort me because they don’t know how much this disease

Just takes every part of me and feeds it to the demons so they can join in

I don’t want to be here with these invisible friends

I want someone who loves me who can give me a hug when it hurts too much or will sit with me and play games or something anything

Go for a drive or just keep me company

But I can’t let them in because they all end up hating me

This disease has taken everything away

I keep trying to explain the symptoms aren’t me but they’re all anyone ever sees and

I want someone to take the pain away but I know they can’t

Fibromyalgia always wins.

I can’t defeat these demons.