Elucidating Questions

I open a door

I’m five and playing on the floor with my dad

I open another

I’m six and he’s saying the words “everything is all her fault”

I open another

I’m fourteen and he’s telling me I can be whatever I want

The same age he’s telling me I try too hard to be different

The same age he’s telling me all these things about my mother I never should have had to hear

Closing the door the child from the first looks lost.

My daddy doesn’t love me anymore, what did I do wrong?

I can’t answer that for you.

Now it seems like he loves me but I’m too afraid of all the things that come out to face him.

I open a door I’m at piano lessons

Singing lessons

French lessons

All I ever wanted to do was sing.

Singing all the time

I open another door I’m sixteen the next door neighbour asks whose song I’m singing

And when I answer he tells me I should leave the singing to them.

It’s a joke.

I went to girl guides and played in forests and made friends with wild animals and

Ran around outside all day

Now I watch it from my windowsill

Thinking wouldn’t it be lovely if someday was today.

Patience they whisper for twenty six years and then insist there’s something only for nothing to show

My Fair Lady was my favourite

The lady who was so hideously unwanted she couldn’t even sell a flaur

And couldn’t talk right to save her blooming arse.

Fixed by the beautiful perfect professor who can do no wrong she is finally pretty enough that someone will love her

Ignoring the problems

Ignoring the unhealthy relationship the way she wasn’t good enough until he made her good enough

But I know I’m not good enough so if I could just try to sell these

Flaurs

To the right person

I wanted to know what was wrong with Spain’s planes but I didn’t want to ask a stupid question and one day I realised

Plain.

It stays on the plain.

The nights I danced all night.

The days I couldn’t get out of bed.

Buy a flaur sir?

Six pence.

Inflation.

Doctor Do Little

When I was young I loved that man just like I loved Mr. Rogers and

Doctor Dolittle reminded me of my dad.

Daddy issues abound

Twenty years on and at least I can choose to speak properly if I do so choose

I just don’t want to.

Still as hysterical as the day was born

I shat on the doctor I’m told.

Well that’s a metaphor now isn’t it.

I’m told I used to charm food out of old people at restaurants

I’m told

But you were never shy

My parents were fighting and I ran away from home at or around four years old

I remember the road seemed like it would go on forever

An old women we’d never met or saw again took us back

That time when the door shut I thought I’d be locked away forever.

Memories come from everywhere.

I remember stealing apples out of a tree and then for no reason at all just destroying them when they could have been eaten

Kids do fucked up things.

Hades I can’t feel my toes again something’s wrong with them tell Hermes to wake Apollo up to totally make it better

It’s funny because it’s sundown and I’ve been begging him to go away for hours

They’re not cold they’re froze

What else do we have that time I read a comic online and wanted it so bad I

Named the second voice in my head.

Struck a deal with a demon.

I guess.

Locked away in a ward with this kid who could just open up and we’d be in love forever.

I never read the rest I grew up faster than it did

And the forgetfulness was in full swing.

I was writing stories for others all the time.

Constant swing.

I’ve written so much in my life it just feels like every word dripped out and fell nowhere.

I don’t know what other movie to put my life in but the King and I?

I always just wanted to be one of the children. She was so pretty and kind sounding I wonder if it’s true

Childhood falsities.

Revisited

Yul Brynner.

He’s just a white guy.

But I’ve already seen the ancient world through the eyes of then many times so it doesn’t surprise.

Life changes when you look back through perfectly preserved things it shatters them

Memories left in their places where they can become tainted

Because sometimes I want to be that little girl on the floor playing with my dad

And the biggest issue is how the car will go through the tunnel

So I put them away because if I need them I can’t see them through the eyes of the person looking for them because I’m so tainted by this

That precious memories keep becoming nightmares and triggers and turned grey.

Most of the time I want to pretend I don’t have either because the weight of my life with them

Makes childhood seem so so so far away.