Elucidating Questions

It tells me every time I’m on a streak

But it doesn’t mean anything

So you put in words

I’m never going to stop, streak my dream?

My dream wasn’t to be on a streak.

It was to write everything I could and then have it be so easy the door just opened when I said here’s all of me

Cause all of me

Was supposedly worth it.

Long shot shot long shots taken shots gone I insist

I miss the shots I take.

Fell off the beam

Didn’t make the jump

The shot went wide

Was I supposed to magically decide my life was fine and that would elevate the lie until it was true?

When I tried that the roof grew over my head.

Look at the reality of the situation

Blessed to have a place to live

A parent who does what she can when she thinks of me

I’m not starving but I don’t have enough energy to sate my hunger.

I’m in pain but if that’s what life’s about then I must be living the best life

I’m alone but I’m useless and wouldn’t be able to do anything anyways.

I was always so afraid to be alone. Now I get to be alone every day.

Everything is fine.

Believe it.

Okay.

I believe it.

I’m going to sleep.

Something to fill the void that is the hours between work and school.

Prescribed activities.

I don’t want anything else.

If I said I wanted to walk with him it wouldn’t make a difference.

If I said I wanted to go along just to be near and make sure he’s okay it wouldn’t matter.

If I said anything I actually want it would be filling the silence and the nothing with more nothing that won’t ever happen because no one

Not fucking one

Not one.

More meaningless foolish wasted wishes that don’t change anything

I wish he’ll be fine without me

He’ll be fine without me.

I’m fine too.

Nothing ever changes.

Everything is fine.