Elucidating Questions

I created a fantasy world, one where I could be free of the pain

It was mine it was only for me a secret I never gave to anyone because

I knew there was something wrong with me, to create something like that.

I was free

I had a family

I had friends

I invented someone to love me who showed up in my dreams so I had the freedom of my mind during the day

And the sensations I was missing during the night

I hid because it hurts so much

Because I was lonely

Because for some reason I got too over excited about a moment that never happened and all at once I had everything

My heart ever wanted in my mind but over time

The numbness I had replaced real life with, as I longed for it all to be real

Because the only thing I couldn’t do was feel and I didn’t have pain but I didn’t have anything except the aching longing to be with somewhere and someones

That I could see so clearly in my head and feel so closely in my dreams but they weren’t real

Yet someday I still hope to meet them in this world where nothing works out because

Well because then I’d see them again.

I told myself enough because wanting them so much wasn’t making real life any better so I surfaced and left it all behind as I tried to stay behind

Maybe I just needed a world without pain because I couldn’t handle the truth.

The truth is it hurts so much that every move hurts something.

The truth is a huge mess because I couldn’t forget him

Couldn’t ever forget him

Somehow I was so happy.

I think about starting again I’ll just make a new one pretend it’s just a thing but it actually hurts me

And I still don’t know why

But I’d like to see the world without pain again.

I wish it wasn’t someday like so far away I wish it was right now

But I learned something this awful year and it’s that they don’t come true or if they do

You regret it.

You regret it so when I say it I grab it back and hold it close and just say

I’m in so much pain.

I’m in so much pain.

I just want to stop feeling entirely I’ll go back there even if I can’t feel anything I think and then I stop because

No matter how many times I’ve tried the days keep going

When I realised it was heaven and I wanted to go back

The doors were closed

So I tried to laugh and see the bright side and thought perhaps there was someone here

Not the same.

Not the same.

The feeling wasn’t the same.

Never the same.

But with them.

How strange.

Perhaps it was all just unfortunate accidents of desperation

But it’s always them all the same.

It hurts.

Because regardless of the mess that led up to it the hideaway place I can never return to

It became hell.

But I still have this love for them so they get it.

It happened after I opened my eyes.

I tried to close them again

But they won’t shut.