Elucidating Questions

I look at them all

I know I’m just one

Unoriginal

The same as all the rest

I don’t know why I thought I was special

There are only thousand upon thousands

I’m sure they’d be better than me but the thought of it

It feels like a hole in my stomach and a gunshot in my chest

I just don’t want to share but seeing him up there doing what he does

Better than anyone else because I can’t see past the love I have

Who am I to approach someone with such skill and talent and beauty and grace and the way his voice dances

How he throws it in the air as if it’s just dough and not from inside him

Sleepless

Dreamless

Night

Where the morning was met with reminders of yesterday and how there are literally

Thousands

And they’re all better than I’d ever be so I’ll just love him from the back row where I belong.

Out of sight so he never has to see the eyesore again

Out of mind so he never has to think of me again

I wish I could be the one to take him home and hold him and help him but just love him and make sure he never forgets it

That he’s needed and loved but

I was never invited.

I should have known better.

I shouldn’t have let myself feel this way.

It hurts so much.

I don’t have blue eyes I have ugly eyes.

I fall to pieces every day and try to take pieces of myself with me

I stumble and fall and stutter and I’m a failure and I wish I was just a fraction as pretty as all the girls who follow him and want him

But nothing ever changes.

I wish I was pretty enough for him.

I wish I was worthy of him.

I wish I was good enough for him.

I wish I could see him.

Wishes only come true in a disastrous consequence.

But reality hurts so much…

I wanted to sleep this feeling away but instead it’s with me while I sleep and when I wake

I love him.

I’m unworthy.

It makes me want to die.