Elucidating Questions

I don’t want to talk about it, the strange reasoning that got me here or the entire mess left behind.

I wish I could start again, just write how I felt and kept it to myself.

At least then I would have been left with the music to myself.

Stepping out of my comfort zone brought incredible discomfort.

Not a surprise.

Don’t want to have to go over it because it all made sense at the time but sense slipped away.

How is it that the mask fits so well infront of everyone but I still feel so locked out?

The only absolute is I want to love and be loved.

But I haven’t felt anything like it in years.

Like everything was going to be okay.

That was the first mistake.

I can’t ever give in to that feeling again because I know that even as circumstances get better,

And I appreciate them,

Inside I’ll still be wanting him and unable to reach him.

Or him.

I can’t make a decision that isn’t mine to make you see even if I decide to give up and try to just write one and not the other I still don’t have a right

No footing to stand on so it doesn’t matter that my feelings go two ways because neither wants me so I just overflow anyways.

My teeth hurt from holding in with him, but I don’t want to ruin his chances of finding the person who he’s meant for

So hiding it away is best

And the pain is so deep the gaps left by months of silence.

I’m so used to it sometimes I just lose my mind and let myself because I’m so tired of holding it together

You stupid stupid cat.

If you love him so much go live in his brain instead but I always wanted

Always needed

He’s been on my mind ages longer

I’ve worried for him through nights unseen I miss him when he’s never even been there

That’s a yearning for someone who doesn’t exist

Or doesn’t want to

And this reality is just

Some bad romance that if we’d just listened to everyone we’d have no him and probably no anyone else still anyways but

At least he’d be happy.