Elucidating Questions

I spend every day thinking about him.

Stupid things remind me of him.

Every thing makes me think of him.

I feel guilty.

People push me around, they call me names

My manager gropes my stomach constantly

But I just huddle into the back of my mind and try to think of anything else

My mind thinks anything else is him.

I go through every day, hoping his is better than mine

Well it is, but I hope anyways.

I have no reason to do so, there’s been no indication he thinks of me.

Or ever even saw me.

It doesn’t make it better, it makes me feel small, unknown

I see the faces of those graced with answers and I think

I thought so.

I think about saying something, but I know it goes nowhere so I don’t.

I can’t ever get the words right, clearly

I don’t stand out in a crowd.

I don’t even stand out in a group.

I don’t think I’ll ever be someone that someone takes notice of because I’m hiding in the back and no one is looking for me.

But I think of him every day.

I think of him all the time.

His face gets me through, I know I would lose everything without him

But he’s out of reach

I can’t see him, but when I see pictures I feel torn between

He looks beautiful

And

It hurts so much.

I think of him every day,

But thinking of him every day, just like I did one year ago.

No, for a short time I looked elsewhere,

But in a month’s time I will go back to listening only to him for weeks.

While I wish I could go back to listening.

What I did take for granted,

Was music making me feel safe, loved, accepted.

Like every day I take for granted the sun in the sky, but now that the smoke turns it orange I miss it.

That kind of taken for granted.

Please, if I can’t find him, and if he won’t find me,

Can I at least have the music back?

If I have to think of him every day, feel the pain in my chest as my mind rolls over months of unanswered questions,

Can I please have the music back.

Please.