Elucidating Questions

So you sit across from me asking how should you feel,

But I don’t have an answer for that.

I can’t even come up with an answer for how I should feel let alone anyone else.

Hardly able to push myself through this day to day nothingness,

Unsure what the process is, already blew it all to pieces with whatever I am

I shouldn’t feel concerned for you, but I do so first tell me

Why I keep feeling concerned and then maybe I’ll know how I’m supposed to feel

From dawn on, my only thought

When I really wanted it to disappear

But I have no control over my dreams, they come,

I wake, I regret sleeping.

There’s a small part of me that remembers how happy I am dreaming,

Like the two hearts aren’t connected.

Or unaware that daylight is coming.

If I told you how much I want to not be here,

You’d throw me out.

Even if I go there, all I know is I’ll be safe.

But I can’t get there, I have to wait until the place holding me down and clipping my wings shows me some mercy and makes me able.

I smiled up at the sky only because I was crazy

And thought you were waiting for someone

I want to see you.

Well I guess I did it’s good enough I’m not trying to be selfish I just hear you in strangers and the sickest moment if hope surges through me and I murder it

Because I knew you weren’t coming when the three things stopped happening.

I’m not going to explain. It happened on repeat every day for three months and it was like being just on the other side of a chance meeting I thought it was for me

Someone else got it

I know how it works. I see happiness,

Someone else experiences it.

You don’t give me happiness,

You give me happiness I have to observe but then never see.

By this time I don’t know who you are or what you are or if I’m just

Talking to nothing.

I can’t wait for it to be five hundred years later,

Because they can see how much I failed.

People tell me to keep hoping

But all I ever do is fail.

So what’s the purpose of this rambling insanity?

Nothing.

It just happens before I know it.

I wish I could stop.

This impossible year…