Elucidating Questions

How to give up something you never had.

If you hate me, I wish I knew why.

Or that you’d tell me.

Sometimes I look over and just want to apologise for everything

Other times I look over and I feel so empty,

Empty arms, empty eyes, empty heart, empty soul.

Sometimes I think about walking up to you as if I ever could and

Just staring in silence until I break down to tears because the words never come out

Never leave from behind my eyes

A coward,

Who cries.

You can say it’s fake,

It’s as fake as you are heartless and replaceable.

Sometimes I want to point you out and blame you for

Not leaving me like this not like it was your job to take me but

For nothing

I want to blame you for all the nothing that has happened every second that ticked by where I was waiting

For anything.

If only you could just tell me you hate me, it’s not like the damage isn’t already done

I want to crawl to you on my knees and ask to please

Just be allowed to enjoy your music again

Please

But

I feel like I can feel you sneer

Go away

Stop

Don’t talk to me

And I don’t know why because I didn’t think that was you but it must be because

I’m here aren’t I?

You’re there making that thing you’re so good at,

Waiting for destiny to find you because regardless of my feelings you have decided

I’m wrong.

That, I wanted to do together but

Supposed to

Complete and utter insanity.

I don’t think I took it for granted though every time I sent something and

You look like a fucking idiot

Raced through my head and every time I wrote how I felt and it was followed by

You really think he cares?

But I did a bit.

I think I fought as hard as I could and now instead of going and saying

I’m sorry

One more billionth time only to have nothing come of it I can’t demand your forgiveness I just don’t know what I’m asking for

It’s just better to kill the hope before it manifests,

Stab the knives into my chest scream

Shut up

Let the tears fall

He’s never coming

You can always wait it taunts but he’d never even look at you

And

You know what you did

But I don’t.

This, a night of destruction wasn’t me, and no one saw it.

That, every message was supposed to be love for him or the explanation of who or why I am.

I will not accept that I should be faithful to a silent idea whose silence challenged even my most concrete ideal

Sometimes I look where I wish I had made it

The biggest regret of my life playing every day.

I wish love died.

Don’t blame me for loving the people around you and not knowing how to express it.

I never blamed you for anything other than,

What follows this sentence.