Elucidating Questions

It all wripples out from the first heartbreak

The one where I thought it wasn’t impossible

So I foolishly carried on like that in a never ending tumble of follies

Just trying to make an improvement

What?

And

Why?

Why it got all tangled in it or whatever it was I stopped when I got too tired I just tried really hard not to say I was

Worn out.

Keeping the face on, hoping it would be enough

Did it ever slip beneath the cracks and think

This makes sense, I can see where this pain comes from

I try

To do this but I can’t expect the same from others it’s a different level I precariously perch upon because

I need someone who sees me like that

I can see you’re broken and trying hard not to be

Maybe someone who could accept the broken for even a second or see when it grows in my spine

Or weighs over me

Like the playground noose.

A crackled sputter of excuses for Saturn

I wanted it so bad

So bad

It still hurts.

I feel like I can’t even stop it from where it is it comes suddenly and loud and I can’t forget you exist for even a second because you come marching back in

As a figment or fragment or whatever without even a name or a trigger or a mention suddenly

It’s you

Every day.

If I could just find a companion,

Or someone who can really see how much of me is missing in every day

I keep telling myself that before I start drowning again.

The year is almost over,

And me in the past is convinced it won’t last like it has because it’s been so hard and we’re trying so hard.

The jokes on them.

Well,

And me.

It isn’t over even now.

And part of me thinks it’s laughable.

I must be pathetic.

If there were two of you there’d be four wonderful men.

You, already twice what you say you are.

I’m drinking again,

But I can’t say this directly to you anymore.

Slowly stepping out

Because I can’t stand to hurt you anymore.

I’m falling in this crack,

But every piece loves you.

With every part of me.