Elucidating Questions

I’m selfish.

I must be, to think I deserve a place to live while other more valuable lives are left homeless

If I had one to give I would try I’d like to think but I

Don’t know.

I’ve never had one.

I know it’s not a place it’s a person but it hasn’t changed

Twenty odd years I still break down to

I want to go home

But nobody’s listening.

I guess that means I’m listening.

Listening to myself on repeat.

I want a home

But if I don’t have one I don’t deserve one which means someone else out there deserved it more than me

And it’s my fault anyways

I got myself here

Dug myself a hole and then cried when it got too deep to climb out of

They handed me shovels rather than ladders.

It must be what I deserve. Just part of the punishment

After all even that

I send out messages,

I can’t even get in the door to compete with the hundreds of others

Who could have stayed where they were but came here instead

I want to run but where to and with what and how do I just leave all this stuff and who would have to deal with it so

I can see what I’ll have to do

I’m planning for when it drops,

The truth.

When I realise I’m being forced to do what I didn’t want to do but with far worse circumstances and I don’t know why

But it seems like so be it and so that means I have to figure out how to get all this stuff

I shouldn’t feel sad about the idea of throwing it all out, but I am,

Selfish.

But I can’t carry even a backpack on my back,

So this is going to be a really fun exercise in futility.

I know I can’t carry enough to keep me alive.

So at least I know I won’t be around very long to see

What happens after this

Because I know what happens to me.

That first pretense

It’s coming to get me.