Elucidating Questions

I’m tired of waking up, thinking today could be the day it goes away, and it doesn’t.

I hate it, thinking I’ve made memories and watching them wash away to nothing

All I have left are these flashbacks

I’m sorry

Just like that I realised the past wasn’t missing it was locked

So I tried to sift through the wreckage of the dust left behind,

Of these years that disappear,

But it’s gone.

I met people I wanted to meet, I felt joy at meeting them, I saw concerts I wanted to see and I held on to them as tight as I could

All that’s left is

I learned how to place triggers,

So I’d never forget,

But all I can remember

Is that it won every time.

Lashing out when the pain is bad,

That becomes me to people,

Instead of

What it could have been.

Yet somehow foolish stupid younger old me,

Still would have chosen him over being better.

Any of them.

Anyone.

Anyone?

No one?

Anything?

I’ll do anything to make it better

No I won’t.

If I have to live like this so one person can live their dream and never fail because I’m the failure every time

I beg for forgiveness

It doesn’t change anything.

Out loud I said my fear was of never remembering anything

Every day is a nightmare

And I told them how to make sure it would never end.

Foolish.

Stupid.

You should have just laid back and accepted

We’re beyond saving,

And we can’t save ourself from this disease

Because it doesn’t think and it communicates with the others in silence

In a conversation I will never get ahead of.

They always win

The big three.

They are the only ones who know when it has defeated me again.