Elucidating Questions

Every day

I wake up realising I don’t remember the day before

Gone in whispers

Everyone else gets to make memories

I get to wake up

And waste another day of my life to feed to the disease that ruined it.

I do a count,

What hurts, what doesn’t,

What will be hurting.

All I know is pain.

I wake up and the first thing I know is

I’m alive

But I don’t know why and

All I experience is pain.

All I remember is pain.

I just want to be erased I can’t do this anymore…

I’m dying.

You don’t understand what that means because you’ve never experienced this before.

No one will ever understand

This disease is killing me.

My body will live for years I’m sure in some lifeless haze of a mockery of life as I’m forced to take another breath I don’t want

And I’m forced to drag my aching bones, my fogged up mind, my sack of broken parts,

I am dying.

This…this death throw of desperately trying to save myself by being honest and showing people how far

I let it go without saying

It’s fucking killing me

I’m running out,

I can see it as clearly as the fog that blocks out the stars and the planets and the moon,

No one notices,

The less this the more short

Little

Blips.

Do you see me?

On repeat.

No one’s going to miss me when I’m gone and I have to live through it.

Trying so hard to get back up and fight for something

But I can’t win the war against my body alone,

No drug will ever fix me,

And I’m so tired of fighting.

My body will be fine,

That’s all anyone cares about

As long as that thing is present and paints a pretty picture of being alive

No one cares

About anyone else’s life

They simply toy with each other’s existence.

I beg of any passing god, spirit, rock, satellite,

Whatever,

Please just let me go,

Help me,

The answer to the question,

Wasn’t yes.

It was no.