Elucidating Questions

So I push a button and he ceases to exist

Right?

That’s the world we live in now

With the push of a button a human

Is erased by you.

It never seemed right it always seemed cruel

Sometimes you need it sometimes they’re hurting you

But it seemed so final so

Being on the other end of it

Never knowing what I did wrong.

The button that erased me

That was always pushed so easily.

So if he’s gone

If that was the whole point

What do I get for it?

All this pain and self hatred and these scars that mean nothing

But failure to do what should have been easy

I look at them and it’s what I see.

This constant implication

That what I need is to be alone

In pain

Forgotten

Unwanted

Unneeded

This constant implication that it’s what I need

Or a choice when

Everyone around is obsessed with things and all I want is someone to be with me.

This constant implication that somehow what I want and need are not the same.

It’s like being underneath a brick floor

Screaming to get out

He doesn’t cease to exist you know

None of the things he’s said stop existing

The pain I feel doesn’t lessen due to the button having been pushed.

It just means one more door

That wasn’t even open to begin with

Is locked.

The only difference is I have a key,

But it doesn’t mean I’ll be allowed in.

Without him,

Now count me who I can talk to.

With him

I don’t think the number was any higher.

He didn’t want me anyway

He’ll be relieved.

He won’t even notice.

I want to live somewhere where all of this never happened.

I wish I could speak to me in the past

And say stay in Japan.

Canada isn’t worth it.