Elucidating Questions

I don’t think anyone can quite put into words

The feeling.

One year ago today my world stopped

Just for an instant like a punch in the gut

Like the sudden breaking of a car

Like the moment you’re in an airplane and it

Suddenly drops half a kilometre.

I don’t remember the moment just before

I remember the moment after

I hope you’re okay

Because he isn’t.

Sometimes I’m so mad at you

You’re like the big brother I never had you’re like

You always knew how to join up with the others and put into words how I felt

Even when I was trying to grow out

Still I thought of you with so much affection sometimes I

Think of Mike and your kids and your wife and I think

How could you?

But I know you feel guilt

It was the first thing I noticed when your name wouldn’t leave me alone.

Sometimes I yell at you

I didn’t give you permission to be gone how could you

I’m sorry part of me will always be the child who needed your music as the world fell around me I will return to

But I don’t want you to be gone can it be over now?

Can you come back? Could it be a joke?

I’d laugh you know. I would cry and scream and laugh.

I would call you a fucking liar but I would be so relieved.

I miss you.

They miss you too

I wish I could tell them I see you everywhere

Occasionally complete strangers they mimic what you’ve just said

A smile

Or a wink.

Like they know something I’m missing

I wish I was missing it.

I wish the joke was you’re still here somewhere

Somewhere out there.

How was Vega?

Do the stars shine so bright from there, can you see our sun,

I miss you.

I wish we could have met I’m sorry I get so angry you’re not here

I know you didn’t want to hurt anyone

I know where you were I keep going there.

One second

How could you

And hurt and anger and resentment towards the end

I miss you

And pull on a string that’s been cut there’s no one on the other side we were connected

No one will ever be able to tell me different

You keep visiting me, but I never remember.

Yearning for and loving and

The hole that’s left when

One light goes out in the world

I wish you’d stayed Chester.

I wish you had stayed with me.

I’ll always be selfishly

Wishing you were here with me

Earth is so beautiful

But so big and empty

I didn’t know how much I needed you until you were taken away from me and them and everyone

By the demons.

I know they’re hard to beat, I know they’re mean I know they hurt you I know they tear you apart from the inside and you long for someone who can keep them away or learn their signs and

Notice.

You tried so hard and I don’t blame you I will never blame you for being in that place I know where it is what it’s like how it feels that moment it smirks and says

Just do it.

No one will care.

I miss you.

And I care.

And I’m so sorry they took you to a place where you couldn’t see yourself as

The wonderful, talented, passionate, beautiful, bright

And one of a kind

Star that should have never gone out in the sky.

But I know it’s hard to see your own brightness,

From where the light it created.

I miss you.

I didn’t have to help you leave behind reasons to be missed,

You did that all on your own.