Elucidating Questions

Is it okay if for right now all I can do is believe in you?

It’s okay right?

Trying to hold on with arms too cold.

I’m broken so I can’t move,

The chance to meet you came and went

And I had to stand by and watch it all happen

Again.

And seriously?

I just hit shuffle and the answers come like stabs to the heart and there was never

A go

Not once.

Riddles and bullshit.

If everyone cared

Except us, we don’t count.

Leave the language out the door it doesn’t mean anything anymore it’s just a collection of barbs and thorns.

Even as the wheels turned and the guns fired and the mountains blew

I don’t even know when my

One chance

Came and went.

It doesn’t matter how many tears fall because

No one is ever listening

And no one ever has.

Not in person.

Not for a decade or more,

Allowed me to feel.

He was all I had and he’s gone and I don’t even have the privilege of a slap in the face

It’s just this empty space where the hole left from tearing out my heart to hope he could see how it felt

Gapes and I try not to think of it,

How little I want to keep going following

Failing every. Fucking. Shot.

Every one.

Turned and didn’t want me.

The list of names I reached for in the tens.

I can only laugh at my stupid fucking ugly face in the mirror

Because they all say I did it to myself and it’s my fault.

And only I can put me back together, but I don’t remember what me is anymore I erased it so many times

To make sure I was who was expected and it was

Never.

Fucking.

Good enough.

I do everything and they never want me.

Am I really stuck with myself like this for three decades more?

I really am better off dead than this life I’m living.

But no one is going to help me.