Elucidating Questions

It’s one year later crawling closer, I remember how it feels.

Can I tell you a secret?

I’m about to leave for Japan and I’m so excited but I’m panicking about money,

But I need to be able to go, I need to

I’m somehow bringing it together but

I’m thinking about if I should go there and then before I can be forced to come back here I should just

Cross the line

And jump the track

And be one of those reasons that trains are always delayed in Tokyo.

I don’t remember much of it,

I was drowning in too much stress and loss and even though I had a house I couldn’t shake the feeling like it’d all just go to hell and my sister was gone and my nephew with her

My family was silent and had turned me out in a way I could only reflect on as “we’re done with you” it creeps in quiet

Laces every moment as I hear her say things like

You’ll never find who you’re looking for your standards are too high

And seeing the 10 for the first time only to have her ruin it and it festered and it burnt and as I tried to laugh it away and just get through the days until I could finally breathe and

Before ever leaving the water that was drowning me a new lake poured in in the shape of

A spirit that I don’t understand.

Who I wanted to understand more than anything who seemed like he could be

Rather than exist

I wanted to know him

And it poured in and under the weight of everything this

Threat

Of eternal loneliness, everyone will leave eventually and you’ll never find him.

Mixed with school and work and money and life and everything

I was going to

The sky fell.

I didn’t go to me I went to people who cared for him I told them I was sorry

They were sad but,

I had this awful gnawing

Sinking

Slipping

I didn’t want to get so upset over someone is never met I pushed it as far away as I could I ran

And got on a plane.

Home was home I wanted to be home again, I think it made it boring for the friend who I love so much who came with me

She can’t handle feelings we try to keep them away from her she is lovely as she is

But it was still there in the back of my mind.

What happens in Tokyo what about Tokyo

I met a dolphin.

And some cats and some bunnies and a chick and lots of stuff.

But it was still there and I never really understand why, but it was there.

It’s like a train that’s left the tracks that just does as it wishes it lays tracks in front of me

Dares me to take them

But there he was in Shibuya.

And I cried for the first time and I held it as tight as I could because she would have been distressed so I held it quietly

Right about when the tide on the other side of the divide found me

And I was pulled back into a mess of

Letting myself down to try and understand him,

While he started coming on louder

Suddenly for no reason he was the only one I could listen to I was coping

As my body got sick and my memory kept failing and I held on for all I could

But I was praying each night for a light at the end of the tunnel come new years no more new years

Please I’m so tired I’m

A slave to the rhythm

The immediate past is a whisper

But I can follow the threads of emotion, back to the beginning but I won’t go past there.

After all there has to be some psychological explanation for coincidences and cloud formations and weather phenomena and people doing things you

Remember when everyone got hats?

I barely do I was just trying to find reasons to laugh.

Or he was trying to help me find them who knows I don’t know if what I know is a know or a feel and since none of the memories are real

You see,

If a tree falls in the forest it does make a sound but if there’s no one there to witness it it is merely a before and after picture

No one had to live the falling of the tree

Only the tree.

And we can hardly believe the words of a fallen tree it couldn’t even be bothered to keep standing.

Why are we circling the drain?

You already know all this I’ve only told you the story of 2017 over and over and over and

I don’t know if it’s a case of repressed emotions or it’s the realisation of how much

We, me from every year from in the end until now wishes I’d met you and never knew how and I miss you and I loved you and I never realised what a bond,

Listening to the jotted down emotions of another

Creates but,

It’s so one sided and I hate how imbalanced it is.

I miss you. I didn’t even know I would and I miss you.

The world won’t ever be the same and I wish you knew that…