Elucidating Questions

It hits me in these moments I think

Of how little I want to trust people but I trust so deep

I don’t even know what I expected but it really wasn’t this

And I don’t know what I did, but I can see they’re in bliss

So I either missed or it’s something I did, but I can’t go through just writing it all again

I’d have to live it and I can’t go back to that place

Where I was waiting and watching intently for a familiar face

Who never showed.

The story just gets so old and I want something new to go on but what do I have left when I don’t know where I’m going and I’m just this huge mess

Where does the erased go to be written back in?

Does my life really have to begin again?

Because it’s not a childish don’t want to wait it’s a fear

I’m afraid of what horrors each new day can bring and I wade through the waters that are too deep to even swim

From the second I open my eyes I am waiting for the thing that will bring

The fear back down and remind me it’s okay but I drown there

And I sit and I wait there.

A part of me screams to get up and try again to feel, but I’m so afraid.

No one likes me when I’m real.

At some point the body chimes in and I know it’s a metaphor I made the metaphor and I don’t know what for it just happened

Mostly I feel as though what I do these days is reply to false hopes of the past as they try to pull me aside and say

But what if it’s different today

I had a good time

And then I fell down

With the hand of Saturn at my back

Venus watching as I fell in love with the children.

Jupiter overhead as we spoke of the Empress.

I remember it like a dream.

But I don’t know why.

I’m so tired.

This real human body and I.