Elucidating Questions

I noticed it like this

In this strange renoticing.

I was experiencing

Terrible days and then watching as they seemed to experience it the day after

I didn’t have explanation.

It was just how it was so I’d try to say something

でも誰でも消えた。もう心の声なんて

気づいている間

誰のせいで?

何もしてなかった。

でも

As if screamed from a megaphone that I was just hearing first my ears hurt my head hurt my heart hurt I had all this awareness and it meant

Everything

So I couldn’t turn away from the slightest hurt because I had felt it too and it hurt so I thought how can I fix this and

Why am I still remembering things like this in moments that don’t matter

Intent has already been ruled out as a reason to do anything.

Some pixie fuck bullshit about how it can’t get better if you don’t visualise it getting better

But I have been visualising that my entire fucking life and it’s never

God

Damn

Fucking

Happened.

So don’t tell me I am giving up after not trying and not having ideas and not doing anything for my situation.

I tried.

No.

They say there’s no such thing as tried.

I didn’t try to get several hundred jobs in the past year

I failed to get several hundred jobs.

I didn’t try to make friends.

I failed to make friends.

I didn’t try to find love.

I failed to find love.

Every time you try you aren’t trying you’re failing.

That’s what I learned.

Can I go now please?