Elucidating Questions

Ugh

He looks at me,

I don’t know what I did but that’s the sound he makes.

At the end I say

Have a good night.

He was already driving away.

I feel the distance the second I say hello,

The two boys in the back seat

One stares, leans over to the other, they say something, they both lean closer to their window

They stare

I say

Have a good night

She says

Yeah.

I stand and I smile,

I am trying to be nice but she’s being very short with me for some reason,

She’s correcting me when I haven’t done anything wrong I read it

Is that right?

She says yes.

It’s just that I’m very Christian.

I turn away and make her order,

I give it to her

Have a good night.

Uh huh.

She leaves.

Why have your prices gone up?

I don’t know I

That’s how much it costs for that?

Yes, but I didn’t decide that I

You’re breaking the bank!

Is it a joke do I laugh do I apologise I don’t understand I

Standing at the bus stop

And he walks up, I offer a smile he

Ugh.

And every time I look up for the next ten minutes he is looking away as he was looking at me in disgust.

Why don’t you correct people when they call you she

Because I don’t want to start a fight.

Why don’t you stand up for yourself

Because I don’t want to start a fight.

Why do you take it so personally

Because it happens every day.

Just like I sit in silence.

Just like I watch the clouds for hours.

Just like I look at every car hoping I will see a face I know just like I

Don’t.

I used to remember faces, details, people, numbers.

Lyrics.

Words.

Now my mind says

All you need is this

They are not the memories of life or happiness or joy

They are the memories of otherness or self preservation or mistakes I should not have made

Because I spent a decade

Living in a place where all I had to remember was how to not set off a spark

To cause an explosion.

So when life is not worth living,

My mind does as it was told.