Elucidating Questions

I found it again.

It comes no matter where I go.

One two three four

Four notes that haunt me.

Somewhere out there

But the only one I see

That echoes that melody

遠いね。意味ない物ばかり。そのメロディーを聞くとどんな顔をすれば良いの?

The yearning it creates is not allowed.

The prodding in a direction I tried to travel in doesn’t change that there are too many barriers to cross.

It doesn’t matter how many times I go back to that night and think about how tired he looked and feel badly for him and think

I wish I could have crossed the line

But I can’t.

This great divide I cannot get across, it doesn’t matter if I hold out my hand there is no one to take it

What do I mean?

I mean I want you with every aspect of my being but I don’t know why and I can’t outrun it, and it follows me,

And I hate it.

Because it reminds me of you,

Like a fucking carrot.

Like every thing I try to reach that they tell me will make things

Just a bit better

But it’s on a string and I have no way of getting to it

And I don’t know what I’m searching for,

And I don’t want to.

It doesn’t get better than I know if this is halfway and this is my life thus far

And those were supposed to be the best years of my life and they are gone

I never had anything worth fighting for.

It reminds me of you and I hate it

Because I take the blame

I always take the blame,

And then they say I am playing the victim.

I can’t escape it.

I can’t run from it.

I can’t move forward because there is nothing in the future for me,

And I don’t want a future anymore.

So why would I look to it, when all I see is the mirror image

Of half a year alone with no one else to turn to

And thinking

It just goes on.

And I don’t want to.

I don’t know what I was waiting for, but it never comes.

I search every day,

I look at people, I look at life as I stand just to the outside and they all pass me by

I’m no more than an accessory

I have no meaning, and I happen to be ugly.

So no one picks me.

But when I was tired of waiting and I went looking

And I sorted through everything

And I fell back to him anyways

I thought it was a sign, and tried to go down the road

All I found was a dead end street.

Now I’m just waiting for it to be over.

I’m waiting for my wish to be granted

After all the others

When no one ever called on me.

And I’ll be there tomorrow, or the next day, or how ever many more days are left on this sentence in hell

But no matter how many times I beg to just be told what I can do to fix it

The answer is

Figure it out yourself.

Day 179,

I’m hopeless and alone.

And I can’t fight it anymore,

So I give up.

I’ll just be until my wish is granted.

I’ll tell you the wish I threw in the well because it wasn’t and won’t be granted.

I wished I could meet your mum,

Because she created someone as beautiful and wonderful as you.

And then I watched it fall,

And as it fell

Not one rose to claim it,

And I fell too.

And nothing I ever do will get through to you.