Elucidating Questions

It continues.

Everyone else gets to exist in life and experience life

And I get to experience pain.

I don’t get to exist I get to subexist, there’s no memories but

It hurts

And there’s no interaction beyond

Practised poses and lines well thought out ahead of time.

There’s nothing here for me.

I’m just a husk waiting to be shot and killed.

At least I wouldn’t feel pain anymore.

At least I wouldn’t have to watch people having a good time and wonder what that feels like

At least I wouldn’t have to go day to day in agony just trying to find a friend only to find

No one wants to deal with me.

At least if death is only nothing

Nothing would be better than waking up in the hell I live in.

No more waking up because something hurts

No more the first thing I hear is my own mind saying

You’re all alone and no one wants you

No more whispering

It’ll never end it’ll never end I’m going to be alone forever it’s never going to end.

No more.

I wish.

No more going out and being stared at and whispered about by strangers who don’t think I can see them looking.

No more wondering if it’s worth it to be transgender if all it ever got me was what I have right now.

No more thinking I should give it up forever because at least people would like me and even if my body is ruined beyond being loved by another,

At least I could pretend to fit in the puzzle.

No more.

No more anything.

No more memories of things my father said ripping at my conscious mind. No more memories of people who turned me out because I wasn’t worth it

No more.

I tried to reach out to create a net to catch myself when I fell because it was going to happen and

I just realised how important everyone else is

And how I just slip through the cracks.

Every time.