Elucidating Questions

Every time I get like this I try to tell everyone that I’m having a difficult time and every time instead of staying they leave and tell me if I stay like this it makes no one want me but then everyone’s gone and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do and fucking no one even knew about Chester and everyone wanted him, and I keep telling people I’m falling, and they tell me every time that they don’t.

But how am I supposed to get back up and have confidence in myself and think I’m worth it as a person when even when I say I am having a hard time and need someone to want me everyone says they don’t and disappears?

Everyone says they can’t help me. Everyone pulls away. Everyone goes and I just need one person once a week or maybe once every two weeks to want me. But I started with dozens and they all disappeared.

I can’t feel phone conversations. I can’t feel text messages. I can look at a picture and go there and feel the moment and experience a video and know what it’s like to be there because there is life there but I have been looking at pictures and watching videos and seeing the world through a box and I can’t do it anymore.

I needed someone to see me because I need to see someone and hear their voice and feel alive because we are both alive at the same moment.

But everybody left.

And I am so sorry, so so sorry, if you read this and it makes you sad and you’re on the other side of a screen and it makes you sad because you can’t help me,

Because I care about you. I do. I promise.

I keep waking up every day for the ones who are watching.

It’s just that I spent the first twenty years of my life staring at the world through a screen and so many people behind that screen have been ruthlessly cruel to me that I don’t trust myself to this place as much on a person to person basis but,

Text just feels like letters. And it’s so much easier to text someone than pick up the phone but…

Anyone can do letters,

The only person who has your voice and soul are you.