Elucidating Questions

Standing in the field and watching the stars

Planets

Moon

Talking about nothing listening to sprinklers.

Singing a line until it hurts too much and I fall silent

It’s too heavy.

No one should get to the point I got to alone.

I don’t want anyone else to go there.

Instead I felt these fingers pointing like

You’re a liar

And trying to pull everything apart in order to prove I was wrong

Without ever asking and I thought it was clear.

It doesn’t get better after getting to this point every day is this tightrope walk and watching every step

Rethinking every word

Trying to keep to this set of rules or else what if I fail but I don’t even know what I should be doing

But every time I asked

What does the world need?

I fell into it entirely by accident and the moment the thought hit I was torn to my very core

Curled up screaming from fear because that story is a nightmare followed by failure and betrayal.

No one saw me going, perhaps no one noticed where I was going

And when I got there

Instead of someone seeing that I was somewhere terrible I was left

To my own

Devices.

Over and over,

Standing here, or there, or counting down the time I can think of things that break my heart while putting on a smile and

Have a good evening

Here’s your food.

He doesn’t love me

My heart cried while I smiled away.

She lied to me.

But I don’t know about how much.

What was written was thoughts as they came and went a river of thoughts.

Wasn’t trying to proclaim myself the one on top or the victim just

Trying to sort through these

Midnight thoughts and memories and things I couldn’t verbalise but were eating me from the inside I

Didn’t know feelings could be lies.

These days the music hurts,

Either because the words are sharp and I am so intent on being the one to blame that every word is like a blade or

They sing of things I don’t know anymore

Friends, family, love.

And all I wanted to do was express my love, and then I fell hard and there was no one to pick me up.

Help me get off the ground.

Instead like a wall the silence grew

A wave that came from the fear of being hated

That only cemented into this shape of self doubt and hatred.

Second guessing every word because I hated

Me.

And when I tried to love me and thought I’d found something,

I really thought he was the one,

And that there was supposed to be something

With these people but I still don’t know why.

But no one dared

No one dared

Disturb the silence.