Elucidating Questions

I couldn’t do it I tried so hard

I tried every day it was like setting it backwards before

I was searching for a reason to live and I thought I had found them and I felt like my heart was new and there was a reason and I

Selfishly desperately need a reason

I desperately tried to find a reason

The days

And the silence as I told myself reasons but they grew into lies as I tried to keep them together

They were supposed to be reasons to live.

The flip came when it wasn’t looking for reasons to live it was looking for reasons not to die

It started small, it screamed as it fought and left scars on my leg

But I still didn’t notice when it flipped and it doesn’t matter because

I still couldn’t find any.

Half on half off and it’s not like I’m not trying I’m trying like a student tried everything

I got burned as the reasons to live never became reasons not to die

I tried to out run it but it screamed and there were new scars on my arms.

And as the walls closed in smaller

And the hole grew

And the vultures grew closer and

Crying and screaming and pouting don’t work

Yelling at the ocean didn’t work

I looked everywhere for the reason

The reason to or not to

You see,

Do you see?

I ended that play,

Throw back,

But wait, back in reality

I still don’t have a reason

And I’ve run out of places to look.

The only thing I ever needed

Was a reason for why I had to do all of it

And I never found it.