Elucidating Questions

Sometimes it hits me, how easy it is for people to leave behind someone who is begging them for anything.

One word. From the beginning all that was asked for is one word,

It couldn’t be afforded.

It’s so easy to pretend someone doesn’t exist, for other people.

I never understand it, the ease of dropping another life and walking away.

Lies drip from venom tipped fangs like molasses. It runs down hill, it screams in the silence.

The lights on the hill aren’t visible.

All of these nightmares and begging to be let out of it, granted strangers don’t owe anything.

Yet I thought…

Such foolish wondering when after all this time the answer is clear.

Do not reach for them they turn you away.

The lights on in the darkest night don’t turn you away, but these people will.

They will turn you away and they do not wish to help.

Please, please just tell me I’m real.

Please acknowledge that I felt pain and it was the worst I have ever been forced to live through.

Please don’t look at the tattered and burnt cape of love that doesn’t look as good as it once did.

If it was a test it was cruel and the orchestrators cruelest that I have ever known.

How easy it was for the one person who I needed to see me to not, and then scream go away over and over.

How easy it was for the person who I tried to support to ignore it, brush it aside in silence.

How easy it was for the one left after the one left to come and go in the night. Like I’m nothing.

How easy it was for my family to disown me and turn me out.

How easy it was to drop my soul in the well for a wish that no one cares that I’ll never tell, but the silence assumes I am a terrible being.

We are not all in this together.

They tried to cover my mouth and block out my eyes. They tried to break my only remaining coping mechanism

With silence.

I begin to wonder if it’s not all a ruse.

If they actually care about anything.

Wondering if I threw literal gold at them if they would see me.

Still nothing.

Gold diggers?

They of course mean themselves.

I’m worth more than their numbers.

Human lives should be worth more than numbers.