Elucidating Questions

So I cast you out, those who would laugh at me and turn away, those who would have wrong done to me,

I say to the emptiness, but the eyes locked on the true monster of my waking the anxiety that grips every second

I cast you out,

But his brother doubt whispers into my mind, but what if the fears are true and they are real and we are just trying to help you

They whisper as fears are turned up and superimposed onto images of what could be the future

When the future is but the words that scream earlier being returned in a jumble.

Will they exercise for me as I have been forced by them to exorcise myself to keep me safe.

The traumas whisper things that happened inviting themselves in in moments unwelcome,

Even when there’s nothing there.

Being alone just makes it worse,

Just makes it harder

Every moment alone to the thoughts ticks back

Back to the moments I was had without knowing what that meant.

Working in chorus, confusing the real, daring to forget how to feel to close in to give in

And sometimes the pain is real,

They take advantage of my hospitality staying in my mind and my body far longer than ever needed.

To cast them out if it could be so easy,

These three that keep me raw and bruised every day, so searching for comfort

For a way to cope on the backs of the impossible that could be possible and that which could be simple or complex.

To try to throw them on a scramble as the mind thinks on and calculates something.

I shouldn’t become them, but I do, I become them and I should fight harder,

But every day fighting leaves it broken and tired and…

Trying to find words in the words of someone who inspires me every day to try not to say…

And when I become them, if I become these demons I fight,

It takes time to put back on the light when they have been pushing down for so long.

I cast you out I scream every time, before they pounce again.

So much to have been lost as the anxiety tears and the trauma reminds and the body crumbles.

With every breath I take I want to show him that this world was worth it,

That in the end doesn’t have to mean that anymore that someone can beat it while

Acknowledging what has been lost to these demons I turn into in the lowest moments.

These monsters beneath my skin that have eyes for no one but me.

And when I lose their games I am the one who loses in the end.

They steal all your hope and pawn it off on cheap ringers to come back at you with later.

They do.

I want to be a reminder to stay but sometimes I lose to my own terrible things too.

Sometimes I need a hand up when I’ve fallen.

Sometimes I don’t know what to do anymore.

I call them names, I belittle them, I listen to them, I humour them, I accept them

Sometimes it feels as though all I am these days

Is a fight for my life.