Elucidating Questions

Someday I will find a shard of you that doesn’t turn away when I show up.

That I will tumble into and why is he you when he isn’t?

Or will I?

Loved me from the first second, you swear,

But the joke is that when we first met I still walked in the secret of the wrong body in my heart.

So the joke may be that you won’t see me.

I ruined it by being me.

How could I have known that they would all turn to run

When all I needed was friends and support?

Did you stop loving me, without me, knowing when I changed?

Just like everyone else?

Being true to myself within myself

Did you hate me for being me?

Do I apologise for feeling like I fit, finally,

In a world I made just for me,

To hide away from reality long enough to put the heart where it wanted to be

And then learn all I miss is human company.

But nothing is real.

Nothing has ever been real.

I just wanted to touch you finally, you were always so far away.

The truth, that you broke apart.

Do I just find shards?

You’re impossible to find.

I lost the game.

I always wanted to see other people’s fairytales. I break my heart well enough alone.

Alone, alone, alone.

In the silence you can watch, the building up and breaking down.

My love is true

But,

But,

But,

And the list goes on.

I see this darker side, these words of the wishes,

This is not me. A consolation prize for the loser of the game.

That is not what I am.

The lines on the face get deeper, the age of exhaustion.

Manipulation

How to make people do what you want.

I don’t. If silence is manipulation, if the words never spoken,

If choking on every memory that ever stung and never saying anything…

Someone should have said,

Acceptance leads to loneliness and nothing.

I didn’t want them to walk away, I wanted them to stay.

In accepting everyone for what they say, who they are, how they play, their feelings always valid,

At my own expense,

I realise they all just walk away.

Things look up, I look at the sky.

We don’t talk for years, it continues in grey without you.

It doesn’t matter if you are here or not.

It matters if you are there or not.

Silent lifeline,

As long as you are there to remind me I’m fine with being the losing side of your coin.

Everything is fine.