Elucidating Questions

Today, as yesterday, as every day since the beginning of the fifth

The almost halfway point to this year that doesn’t get better,

Doesn’t end, try harder get nowhere, fall into place where you can find nothing.

Still a shadow no one notices, still a nothing no one wants.

Still this, still left behind, still I wanted someone to come back

Why do I have to keep doing this?

All I feel is pain and loneliness and guilt and shame and

I miss the colours and the way it felt to think tomorrow could be good for something.

Possibilities that seemed infinite and we could do anything, if I could just get to tomorrow.

Tomorrow doesn’t come, midnight brings proof of it every day.

I wake up, I don’t run away, I wake up in this place every day

Inside it feels like

A dark place, this is where the losers go,

I am one of the world’s chosen losers but I am not losing enough for it to matter but every day

I would trade places with any of them, but I can’t because the question is still there and unanswered possibilities of impossibility.

When do I get to feel alive again?

When will the pain in my spine be gone and the feeling always being alone be gone and the feeling of always watching as everyone walls away and goes on with their lives forgetting me

I just want to say goodbye so I never have to say hello to this place ever again

Why? I wanted to know what I did,

I want to wake up and feel like the day could be more

This message ends, someday.

I was wrong to believe I could trust

Anyone.

My story of a dream come true, instead this.

I wanted to meet him, I found out I don’t need him

After all existing one day to another with no memory recorded

Remember events taking place, forgetting all else and the words are gone, I don’t remember what I write.

I don’t need him to fall apart, after all I do that alone every day.

Everyone remembers to forget me, while I wade up to my neck in the thick black memories

Tainted by time.

There are none sweet anymore.

Bitter and I will move forward,

So I don’t feel anything

Except misery, and pain.

Or nothing, and all the colours fade, and the music is grey.

I hope I don’t have a this time next year, if it means another birthday and all the holidays before

Watching every day as they go without me, being ignored.

Being forgotten about, and ignored.

Watching others flying free while the broken bird lies on the ground.

I hope I go somewhere else instead.

I should go somewhere I belonged, but I don’t,

Or I’d have found it by now.