Elucidating Questions

This war I don’t understand. This battle I tried to make go away by falling silent and just listening.

No one ever wants to hear the other side.

Yet it’s hard to say whether it’s true or not. All the things she said.

Either she was the single most dangerous person I ever was thrown in the path of, or she is a liar.

Either she is dying, or she is a liar.

And if she is dying I still want her to get better. It’s not ever the thought of deserving of it, it’s the thought of it can’t be helped.

Then the thought of I wish it could be.

She’d still sell me down the river. She’d still come up with these reasons why it’s my fault.

There was a time we talked about everything, that it felt like a family,

It hurts every time, dangled before on a string. These people who have this thing I don’t understand.

They say you’ll always need them, so in an attempt to find a family

And the ones who kept calling and talking about home…

The fantasy of having friends and family. The fantasy of feeling loved and accepted.

Apologies never matter, when I sit waiting to apologise for everything, and apologies never come.

She said she loved me, she believes I am bad luck it would seem.

So I wished Fortune would smile upon them.

While she sits on top of something that would make it easier, and it’s still my move to go there.

But I’ll never trust her or her or him or him.

By this time last year

This year never happened.

My heart is not home, it screams at the sun, it cries for the moon.

It stares at Jupiter. It waits for Saturn.

The lover screaming, she doesn’t say it’s my chance.

She says it was everyone else’s.

Regardless, I tried. That. That thing I keep forgetting.

The start of the wandering to try to find what I was looking for.

I knocked on every door, trying to find a raison d’etre.

The list grew shorter, of all the people who could have said something,

Not my choice. Human choice in every thread that pulled and tied and wrapped and bound.

So it’s more likely, they don’t have to try, but they do.

Because they’ve been watching it pour. All that happens is the batteries run out.

After all the children of the children of the immortals.

The fire is too hot, the disguise is the green that is hidden in,

Every second of every day, don’t want to think about anything.

The memories.