Elucidating Questions

Where is it I wonder as I stare in the general direction of it a tug and a pull in the direction comes out of no where can’t ignore it like a scream,

And all the if onlys never change the way it stings and screams that something wrong must have been done at some point somewhere to make it make sense,

The melodies elsewhere the same words and sounds, style and design of self and the original being of the words that are always

Always the same. And the end of nothing when silence only brings more of this what could I have done to deserve the kind of hatred it would take

To go on like this.

Never seeing that the asking for help would be seen that way, or that writing in silence while the world ignored every day,

Would somehow lead to what is this now.

Is it a rock? Or mountain?

And if truly it had been seen that while doing this day after day after day after

Neverending

Unable to look away or pretend or think or feel or do or be or

Live, in any way.

Yet the one at fault is me, why does there have to be? Yet again this goat left behind to burn.

Day 134.

I never learn. It’s concealed, perhaps, beneath the exhausted ending of a life not started or the realisation that this truly could be it.

That around in circles every day since the start, will never recover the feeling of freedom in my heart.

Shot dead one night in the loss of hope, wasn’t allowed to have context, but wasn’t allowed to think or feel.

The one who knows nothing, the one who holds all the cards, the one who folded long ago and said enough and I’m tired, the one who will continue to rise as the years are still many,

The one who is left every day, yet is expected to forgive and forget.

The one who is still the most important, so that I suppose is that.

What place is this, when taken out of the running, and the one they will run to is the one who is stunning?