Elucidating Questions

Crazy?

Yeah I’m crazy

But I’m also gentle and loving and people purposely miss that for their ick of the unexpected

All my life experiences culminated to create

This wreckage

Clouds but no rain

How apt

Though I’d rather the literal rain than the figurative

I don’t know what I am

If someone could tell me plainly maybe I’d know

Someone who can’t reach whatever I’m reaching for?

One dream seen

One to drop in the waves

Is it really such a small thing?

Too small to become anything?

When right in front of me it seemed like it was so great

Feathered not flighted

All these wings could carry never allowed for any lift off

Somewhere in my heart I resent you

Resent is a strong word I don’t like to use

But part of me knows what kind of person you are just from

From the nothing

Because something here has to be good enough

And you just you just grow old

Without paying me your gaze

And you’re great

But how we treat the least is the mirror of our souls

Not how we treat people who paid to see us

It would seem I’m the least

Was it easier before?

Maybe because you were living

Why can’t my mind just let you

Why can’t I just let people erase me?

Stars are all I have and it’s cloudy

I have so many unsaid things

There are so many things

I’ve held my tongue

Together forever apart

I dream of you

It’s not fair, but I do

And then I miss you in the light

A you who doesn’t even exist

I wish I could say I was glad to have met you

Could I carry it?

Who knows

Would it make a difference?

A drop of good in the sea of terrible

How do I say goodbye?

How do I abandon you like the others?

It should be so easy

A year again

We’re in the same places as always

Here’s the song I ordered last Thursday

Turning today’s tears into tomorrow’s strength

It turns out this line is in my soul now

If only I could dispose of this feeling

My one thing for me

In the whole world

Another day has come to an end that I didn’t find it

Another day to convince myself to see through to tomorrow

On the infinitesimal chance it will be different than all the others

Something

My energy levels are so low today

It’s like I didn’t sleep at all

I don’t know what world I was supposed to see

Today instead I’m making things

Some yarn

Thank god

It’s so hard to have nothing to do

Games become stale so quick

Reputation bores me

And so many games have a formula

And then I figure it out and get bored

And I can’t just spend endless money on games

Tried that

Debt

I encountered debt

There’s only so much I can take before something I can’t foresee happens

That is a certain Cat makes an appearance and blows up our lives

I was good yesterday, I felt him roiling

Leaking into my thoughts

And said, no more, I’ll come back another day

That was good

They don’t know how adult I was not blowing up and charging out of there

How much power it took

Literally like wrangling an angry cat there is a reason for his name

A protective reflex?

A second face?

Another thing I’ll never know

We have this strange love

Like our self love was put behind a glass wall

And we sit on either side ever turning

A glass coin

Something the Joker turns in his fingers as he thinks

Please don’t leave me here

I want to go to a place where he can rest and I

I am safe

The Bunny creeps in

That child me

Large eyes and big ears

Hearing everything but having no power to do anything about it

そう言う人生だよ

パタパタ

It’s like Nothing is trying so hard to get to me

I’m just fighting it off with everything I have

自分の為に生きてる

けど誰も認めてくらないよ。

I just want to maintain my existence

I’m trying so hard to

There are people on my side but they’re all so far away

Everyone is so far away from me

Do they even notice me sinking?

Just get up and go

Go damn it

Cloudy night

That time

I still can’t align it with reality

Knowing things I shouldn’t

And I know the answer

I’m not stupid

Just persistent

I bite that word

Because I hate that I am

Can’t take silence for what it is

Excuse me

Reading social cues is not a strength of mine

Someone to lean on

Wouldn’t that be nice

At the end of this day

特にない日

特なんか事ない日

What was the point of this?

I’m so sick of hearing about how good change has to start like this

Yeah, I wish someone would set me free from the hurricane

But someone

Disdain

Disappointment

Desire dastardly denied

That was some D words

Some words for you

Sort them out

Nothing to wake for

I have to assume

I wish I thought I was something special so I could sell myself and get my name out there and become better than you ever were

It’s a shock you’ve managed

It’s a shock he managed

But I can’t

Oh the wind

Maybe I’ll become the wind

See more of the world than I ever dreamed of

If I could jump off a cliff and just fly

Fly so far away from here I could never hope to find my way back

Would the days leading up to my death from starvation be brighter than any I’d ever faced?

Would I crumble from the loneliness?

Surpass absolutely anything, eh?

Everything

Whatever comes

Why is that the game?

Ignoring the

Disappointment

That’s it?

Suffer and move on?

Universe and universe

As I cursed the lesser the greater embraced me

I hate you right now

I said

The me I am right now hates you

I don’t remember the words

And that’s fine?

Now you hush me

I have so many feelings

I’m trying to love through all eternity

Humans are humans

I should probably stop being so surprised when they human shit up

Universe this universe expects so much from me

And who should walk in but he who I was just thinking of

I don’t know how you did it

How does this song always know the exact second to play?

I care if one more light goes out too

I should

Begrudgingly

Care if my own does too

Go to bed says the beings

You can’t tell me what to do

I may just happen to listen, however

Chester your strange, perfect, stupid timing

I don’t think I’ll ever understand

Maybe if he never calls I’ll never have to fi

It would be nice if someone would tell me

Hey, you’re doing great

I’m failing so miserably and even if it’s just a platitude

I just want to hear than my effort is recognised

I wanted so fucking bad to call in sick today

I went in anyways and got that lovely email and came out worse for it

Like maybe, for what I’m facing, I’m doing great?

Maybe?

But that’s not the type of thing you tell yourself

You’re doing great me

Just sounds like pontification

Look at me and how great I’m doing

Besides deranged at this point

I don’t think I have anything left and then bam there’s another thing to deal with

I wish you could tell me what I want to hear

I wish you’d just do it

I believe we were meant to be

Something

I’ve never known something so completely before

But years on?

What’s knowing?

Can you possibly know something in the face of proof it’s not true?

So I wallow here

In this hell

Nevermind the woman this morning with her phone and her prices and confusing the hell out of me and then getting pissy when I don’t know the answer to a stupid question that was so stupid I thought she was joking

Just the general other hell

I’m currently talking to a wasp

Like that’s my conversation partner this evening

I don’t want to live here anymore

I want to live, more than anything

But I don’t want to live here

On this planet

Anymore

Corporate bootlicker bullshit

Since February I have been taking two 15 minute breaks during 6 hour shifts instead of a 30

I cannot physically work more than 2 hours

I hit a wall and I can’t handle anymore

Corporate Grandma comes in and suddenly needs the doctor’s note again

Cuts my hours because she “needs to verify it with corporate”

I provide it

She says “The DM is partnering with HR to accomodate you how corporate wants to accommodate you”

Today, almost a week later, I get an email from the DM

We have a doctor’s note that says these accomodations

We need you to get this form filled out by your doctor in order to accommodate you

The costs associated with the form are your responsibility

And my heart just dropped out

Because that form is going to be a hundred dollars

And I’m currently making one thirty every two weeks

And I get about five hundred from PWD after rent

When am I ever going to afford this?

Point blank

I was just told if I cannot afford this form to be filled out they won’t accommodate me

I am officially too poor to be accommodated

Too poor and disabled

I can’t afford to be accommodated

I can’t afford to be accommodated so I can afford to live

What is this hell?

What is it?

What did I do to deserve this one?

My head aches

I cried about this hours ago but I’m still feeling the after effects

And this fucking circumstances lol you only worked at your job for one year so everyone thinks you’re a job skipper when actually it’s circumstances like this fucking shit that led to each departure

Repetition

Always the fucking same

And I’d gas lit myself into believing I just lose the “honeymoon” effect after the year and that’s why I left

But, no, time and again I start a job, the job suddenly changes wildly at about the year point and I have to leave

It’s no longer an environment I can submit myself to

Ease my swollen eyes

They hurt too

Cried so much in the last few days

My heart is tired

What hell is this?

The Universe is love

The universe is a cold, dark, place with no hope in sight.

WordPress doesn’t think I noticed when specific posts mysteriously have no views

WordPress thinks I’m stupid enough not to notice though

This world is so against helping

They’d rather watch

It’s a spectical I’m sure

It leaves me feeling uneasy

Like what could possibly be enjoyable about it?

Not that it’s many

But it’s so strange to be

In crisis

And being watched

My mind always going to all these gods and spirits

But it’s the people watching

And saying nothing

How am I supposed to feel about that?

Being consumed

Just a bit more

Every time it’s like the same thing

There’s a spring after every winter

A dawn after every night

Yet I haven’t seen the hint of either

What am I waiting for?

I just feel like the longer I’m here the better the joke when it’s nothing

I’m just winding myself up for a bigger punchline down the road

I don’t want to be the punchline in my own life for some sick author to feel gleeful over

What’s a shooting star to someone with no more wishes?

I made them all

And watched them all fall

Surely there are wishers to see them elsewhere

If I had a dollar for every shooting star I’d have enough money for my heart medication

And the thing I want

Alas we know already the tale of tomorrow

Up early to a world that hasn’t changed

To work a job that isn’t paying me enough to stay there

Lonely hours spent wasting time and vaping

Back home and we do the same until I meet myself at the pass again

Why am I doing this?

What is the point of this besides ensuring my continued suffering?

Nothing could be worth what this life has put me through this far

7 years ago you could have rescued me

I would have accepted the balance

It’s too late now

There’s nothing left to rescue