Elucidating Questions

Confident when you’re not quite. Confidential stories that I can never tell.

Pain I cannot describe, love I cannot explain.

Love, I cannot explain.

So desperately clinging to someone who won’t stop running from me.

I miss you.

It’s killing me too.

I wish I could just erase it, but I am me, and you not understanding doesn’t change it.

I love you despite how it stings and stabs when you say it.

I am one step away, from not knowing what I was supposed to love for.

If it just causes this chaos.

I love you, and I don’t know what to do.

It started with feeling,

Like I was supposed to carry a savior, hope.

Fear and panic, couldn’t stand up to that story. Couldn’t ever.

It started with thinking, immaculate conception was what would happen.

Ran away, put it elsewhere. Afraid.

The bruises came, hands and feet.

The pin points for no reason,

As we stepped in.

Realising that passing it on would be cruel, to keep the sense of being that person.

And that’s who I’ll be, standing up and turning every cheek until I’m black and blue.

Even when numb and left behind, even when I can hear the love of him with someone.

Even when it hurts like this.

Living to be, but I never get far.

Never a name made, never a face seen.

They pass by me,

But when I dream

I have friends. People to talk to. Even if it’s been a week since I’ve heard from a friend.

And the one I love is only with me when I’m asleep.

And the second I love, will never love me.

Saying that there is more, that we would find others,

You will certainly,

Beautiful as you are and wild as you are.

You will too,

Beautiful and wonderful and blue.

As the mistake in this world, that had a purpose now lost,

And the wish for love, but can only see it in others.

Only others find it, may everyone find it.

May the odds get better, that the connections can be felt.

That you will find who is right, and be able to walk right up.

The connection between, person to person.

If mine is broken, perhaps others will find theirs in return.

If I could dream up, someone I need, who isn’t a computer, or a thing,

But that breathes,

It would be like we could talk about anything. It would be like we could trust each other with not every thing, somethings without,

But we could trust each other, and without doubt,

Even if we changed, the love wouldn’t end. We would share.

I wish I had a friend.

Somewhere beyond today,

I’ll be somewhere near, once the tears of losing you have dried,

Once the tears of being unwanted dry.

Once your face has left my mind,

And I can no longer feel you on my skin.

Somewhere beyond today, you will be in love and happy.

Somewhere beyond today, you will be able to love again.

This hope I carried, please don’t get them up again.

Please please not again.

Never again this feeling like if one step was taken we could be.

Only to have it tear away from me.

Watching as you, and everyone around me,

Finds happiness.

I wish it, truly.

Can I really not hide my tears?

Not from him, but from the ones who around, see as they fall.

The mistake of the none mistake.

The thread is there, but the words were from others.

The spoken voices, not then, but now.

Right beside me, spirits.

And it wasn’t him, how could he have ever known, it’s not possible.

But he did, the messenger,

He didn’t want me to wake,

Because he knew I could and would.

And he knew it would break me.

If I had someone, I may have been able to hold it all,

Instead I was left to myself,

Again and again and again.

So it happened,

And I awoke.

I surfaced, when he wanted me to be able to stay asleep forever.