Elucidating Questions

What are you reaching for, our there.

Beyond what we see and know why would you need to be bigger?

What are you reaching for and when can I know what it is and where it is?

It shouldn’t really matter to me I’ll never have answers for the questions

It’s just how I get the attention.

I still woke up without you

Even if I was with you

I wonder if memories of dreams are real memories.

I miss you.

Standing beside a small window into someone’s life

Can it be defined in pages and words that fall?

Is the window open crisscrossed with the spiderwebs of telling the story

And reality blurrily slips through the cracks

Do you have memories that aren’t as true as they seem can you tell the story of others without turning them

Into a story

A sensation.

Woven together with the trials, requirements, expectations of girlhood and the way it sticks

Sickly like tree sap.

No one wants to let the little girl grow up.

The words and associations.

The same?

Similar?

CDs, diskman, walkman, cassettes, the last rotary phone.

The last time you picked up the phone to hear the internet screaming on the line.

What do we share, what don’t we?

Scraped knees and falling down when pride still made you jump back up and say

I’m fine

While life dripped down your shin.

I remember sitting on the other side of a great hole in the ground filled with the water of a billion crying clouds

And knowing my grandmother was dying on the other side.

Helpless hopeless lost

How did you get found when you lost your mother?

In this land of repetition

Birth and loss

Death and growth

In the web of tales woven in the window.

The silent darkness

With the moonlight overhead

And the owl calling in the distance

This should be peaceful instead I’m thinking about

Brown foxes and lazy dogs.

Why the foxes are brown if the dog is just tired it’s just a sentence that means nothing but letters.

I wanted to see if I could blow it up but I got stuck.

Too many letters not enough words.

Not enough words to fill in the silence when it raps in my ringing ears

The sound of the fridge

The sound of the air

The sound of the owl

The sound of electricity

I hop and skip and jump until I’ve heard too much and then I drop back down again

Cars on the road drown out the owl

Like dropping a wavelength like standing on a band of colour

Purple

If I ever have to remind you purple

Tiptoe out of line and it’s red like the blood and blue like the blood.

Purple

Like the blood.

I really hate the sight of it.

Far away stars shining in the night with the light eons older than I am so much older than I am

I’m old

And invisible and make-believe.

But the stars are visible.

And the moon is shining and I’m supposed to be loving so I suppose that could mean

I sleep now

But that does mean tomorrow will come.

To the owl

To connect would mean everything

Does that mean anything?

I thought the morning doves were owls who had forgotten the day.

I had never heard them before I went away.

Now I hear an owl hooting in the night somewhere dark.

Somewhere over there

Hello mister or missus owl.

There came a reply, how queer.

I hear it cooing somewhere nearby now the sound of the owl reminds me of the sound of the doves reminds me of the sounds of the owl.

Hoot hoot.

I wish I could come fly with you.

I wonder what he’s whispering about.

Somewhere over there.

I’m not going anywhere I’m stuck here.

I can’t get out.

I’ve tried.

Either someone lets you out or he does

I wish someone would let me out

I’ve often thought about it

I’m stuck here without you in a place I can’t call home with people I barely know ending every day wishing it was over so I never have to do it again

That’s what this place is a cage I’ll never escape

Please just give me the key so I can get out

Even if it just means I’m losing

I could say goodbye and leave for real.

If only.

Like I said I’m stuck here and it’s meaningless without you

I had to make you to make meaning for my being do you not see how much I need him

Why does no one who can help me see how much all I needed was him and he’s everything to me and I’m stuck here

In hell

Without him.

If he’s somewhere else I’ll never reach him

But I miss him so much

How can he not be here?

How could he leave me all alone…

You could have been at dinner.

When the feeling grabbed me to cuddle up to someone it could have been you.

You would have been welcome I’m sure.

When I didn’t know who to talk to and I wanted to disappear you could have been at dinner.

There was an empty place beside me.

I wish you would come home.

I’ll tell you exactly where it is just ask me.

On the side of a hill in the woods with the city of Troy nearby a saint.

Between the up and the down,

Just before the bus stop,

Almost the top of the hill

Almost to the top across from the bench in the back.

In the back at the window up into the sky the moon rises up perfectly

I know where you are because I see the moon and the sun.

I know my direction by the direction of the satellites.

You could have been at dinner.

You would have been welcome.