Elucidating Questions

But I did all those things

And it was me who lived willing to sacrifice everything

Isn’t it fine like this?

I’m the boundary

Who wants to be the lake

Waiting for the ocean

Never meeting the sky

I don’t know all of the story I don’t know he’s with the tiger

I don’t know what’s going on I’m just doing what I was told would be best for the entire world all of civilization

Why is it wrong? Why does no one want me?

My face

My life

My memories

All I ever wanted was to be the lake but I could never be

Looking in the mirror and seeing the wrong reflection didn’t change what was inside

Afraid and alone

I can’t trust anyone

What friends?

Did you see any?

All alone

Always

Except for a bodyguard who doesn’t speak

Who doesn’t really love me

After all

She shot without a thought.

Photos are a promise of a memory

To not be forgotten

They are the moment captured

Until the picture is faded and gone

Long after the memory is faded and gone

The printed paper the shimmer of printed smile printed poses printed

Digital pictures

They can last forever if given the chance

A moment lost in time

If the memory fades

The picture doesn’t

Lost memories jolted back even if you don’t know where they’re at

There’s proof you can’t deny

A photo is an external memory

For when the internal memories lie

I forgot the language

The language that keeps others away but makes me feel home

The horizon is burning

I can’t find the moon I expected

Dirty puddle

Highway continuing

It doesn’t mean anything

Him and then him

The only one I can trust isn’t here anymore

I don’t know where I’m supposed to be going but I know it isn’t here

And that this world would never be ready for someone like me again

Because none of it makes sense that’s why

I can’t find him

I miss him but I can’t

I wish I could

But he doesn’t want me to

Even if in dreams there he is

Every day is the same

Without him

一人なら何千万の神様の声

鮮やかな心

鮮やかな太陽

ドキドキだってから

いる

日本はいつも無意識で応援した。

It’s thanks to Japan and no one else that I managed to be even balancing on my shaking legs

Not quite on my feet

All helping hands pulled away

They never found Japan

My younger siblings

And by Japan I mean

That thing

The thing that was calling them away from all this mess

The yelling

The slamming

The guilt

The explosions

The being set free at thirteen

Into the streets at midnight

They don’t know how to feed themselves

My stubborn chasing little sister

She worked incredibly hard to keep moving forward

But she needs a hand to hold her and the hands have been pushing out the door since

Since the door shut and opened at the same time

I feel like there must have been a day when I was young and being raised by the drawn out character on the screen

ちゃんとして

頑張って

面倒かけないで

皆のために戦って

I closed the door to my house but I was my parents shutting it on me and saying

And now go you’re grown

Though I was still growing

I worry about them

An adult who needs to be cared for

An adult who doesn’t know who he is

Because my father made him sick

And he couldn’t get out of bed

And he fucking ended up in the hospital on morphine and having possible surgery because my father

Couldn’t be fucked to raise his own spawn

Or clean the house

Or feed his children nutrients

Pizza fried chicken pierogies refried beans

No that’s about it

Raising four children

Every time food was eaten he yelled because it was eaten

So we didn’t

And the food rotted away

And he yelled

I was younger and still had faith in the future

Japan would come and I’d be so far away from him he’d never be able to get me again

But my youngest sibling he loved

And we blamed him for a long time even though it wasn’t his fault

It was fate

It was how it was going to be

The youngest son

Just like he

And he damn well made sure we would see and put my baby brother in the box that he

Was never in because his sisters loved him

But he imagined it and made sure his youngest son went in

And now I watch them from far away because we aren’t close and they don’t miss me when I’m not there

And just worry because I wasn’t able to make up the loss of parenting

Because I was a baby too

And now there’s nothing I can do

All I can do is watch

I worry about them

I love them

How deep under the ocean do you have to be?

My mind asked the question and I dreamed

I dove further and further under the waves

Trying to make the light go away

It reflects off the surface, brighter in a sick way

But the light never left me no matter how much deeper I went

It feels torn apart and empty

But for a moment it felt so good to just be there

I wish I’d had more time but I didn’t believe him

I never do until he’s in front of me

I just pretend like I do