Elucidating Questions

On lit feet I stared into the space

Jupiter is coming

Jupiter is coming but

Wait

That’s Arcturus so

That must be

My favourite boy in the whole universe

On the horizon

Oh I had missed you

How I had missed you

And even though I can see into your heart

Nothing here has changed

Sometimes in our lives we adopt things

To spin around us

Even without a name forged from a silent agreement

Satellites

I shuffled straight into Trench

And I think you know why

Far away blue light I have missed you

You and your dust and your possibly dead or being born planets

Had you missed me enough you will not speak?

So this is heartache

But I keep trying

I’m not perfect

So this it heartache

I wouldn’t dare miss him

He may cringe

What did he hear I wonder?

To push and pull and mould as he did the space around him as he wished

Until

Spark?

Sounds like a cop out

Sounds too simple

Sounds too easy

But he did it

I wonder if the ladybug did?

Vega will

Arcturus did

Aunt and Uncle Sirius

Bellatrix

And Rigel

I wonder what’s different

I wonder if I sing to them if they’ll have planets of their own someday jealous of their neighbour’s yard.

Life could be the cute new planetary accessory of

…

What year is it?

Fuck now they’re fighting a war over what year it is

I wonder if any of them agree?

The only person who has ever startled me into jumping

Dropping something

Is me

Only I know me well enough to give my self a start enough to drop something

Do you still feel guilty for being able to afford to eat today?

Because I do every day

Over Mr Noodles

Made from clean water

On a stove

It doesn’t make perspective so much as perplexes

The mind to think

It’s not like we’re not trying

It’s just there isn’t enough work

Throwing a peace to the sky

Get! For free~

The language unfolding to me

マーズの天気って今…sandstorm

It couldn’t be I looked at it

Expected a lie

Sand 砂

Storm 嵐

Because humans often thing the same

Low and behold

The language becomes so much easier when you understand why and how

Twinkle twinkle

Ladybug star

How I wonder who you are

Up above the world red light

Like a diamond in the night

Seemingly nameless star

Now of the ladybug, you are.

A violent call to whisper

In the night in the night

Standing over your bed frame

Chuckling with fright

How you cannot hear me you will never know

Only when you hear true silence could the river flow

In that instant that your ears no longer hear the beat of your own heart

That is when you’ll know it’s over and I’ll give it a start

Truth unwary solitary wariness within

All of it lost in a place smaller than a pin

In the distance there is nothing

No horizon and

No light

And now you see me crying in the corner of the night

Dripping down the windows in the rainless drop of rain

With a finger on your window I will never come again

I need some help right now

I imagine myself sending him

I need some help right now

Foolishly I imagine he hears me and says

I’m not a psychiatrist contact a help line

I don’t need a help line

I imagine saying back I imagine how I feel right now

I don’t need some guy named Nick but not really Nick

They have fake names you see

And he’ll say

Just get through to tomorrow

Just make it through

Which is great but I haven’t seen anyone since my birthday and before that I hadn’t seen him for a month

Showed up for a disjointed dinner

I impose on them

When I’m not there my sister speaks

I don’t know if I’m real right now I feel so shut off

I see these beautiful lives and I know I make it to tomorrow because I have to feed them but

I feel so empty like I’m going to implode on myself and I don’t

I don’t send him that message

And none of it happens and

I’ll be fine I’ll just get high and fight the night and go to sleep and if I still feel the same way I’ll love through it

You don’t really need me

He’d say

You need someone else

Dear someone else

He’s wrong

Don’t think of it

Forget it

Let it go

Walk away don’t give it words

Tumbling dropping falling

Hah

Someone help me

Haha

I know I know no one knows I can’t go crying

But I did it to myself so can’t I complain?

I cannot can I?

If he knew what I was thinking he’d cringe and think

That’s so gross

But he was happy in the fantasy until I realised I was doing it and crushed it as quickly as possible and fled the area

When I cried for help he was on the other end

Waiting for the call

My Christ

The cycle repeats and I don’t know how to get out of it and when I think about him thinking about me thinking about it it just hurts so badly because he couldn’t think well of me

If he never came

And now I feel sick to my stomach with trying not to cry but also knowing

I just want to be happy and loved

Why is it always him?