Elucidating Questions

My tears mean nothing to you

I lie here screaming to the aether

Sometimes

Sometimes when it hurts so much

I wish you could feel me crying

I want you to feel how I feel

And then I realise how terrible that is

And I thought I’d have it all figured out by now

But no one knows I’ve been crying

And you’re meeting and greeting and flashing smiles all around

And I could never afford to meet you

And I told myself you’d love me so I wouldn’t kill myself

It’s such a pretense I can’t pretend I’ll ever be good enough for you

All for you

And I think I’ll always

Always wait

If I’m crazy it’s your fault

Snap

Grumble

Mutter

Off doing your thing well because it’s who you are and I’m here floundering alone as usual

Sometimes I imagine you call

Sometimes I imagine we meet

Sometimes I catch myself and give myself a shake and remember that silence is a form

Of “No”

友達だけでも

知り合いだけでも

No

I don’t think I was prepared for this

I wasn’t prepared to not be standing off stage while you sing your heart out to catch you when the endorphins wear off

I wish I’d known you well enough to know

How empty my life would be when you didn’t want anything to do with me

I’ll be yours forever*

*= As long as you’ll be mine

As long as I can call you back, as long as I can smile, as long as I’m here, as long as my spirit flies through the spaces we’re so partial to.

How can there be a discretionary

Attaching asterisks and cautions

I’ve wanted one

I’ve wanted one because I was trapped between but when trapped between the between

How could I think such things

Here I was but I wasn’t willing to be alone

Being alone is so hard but

Here I am here I am

Just my body to be split amongst those who will take it

And my heart locked in a box waiting for the prince that will never come

Because he wouldn’t

And he’d scoff and say

I’m no prince

Wouldn’t you?

Sometimes I feel this frustration

I really thought I tried everything

Everything

And it still wasn’t enough

But it’s never enough

So much for the time of anyone’s life

But I’m just talking to myself

In an irony I remain unknown in the worst way

I just wish I’d wake up

Wake up and stop feeling

Stop feeling with my heart

I had a dream about you

But I don’t remember

But I don’t remember whenever I dream about you

Because if I remembered it would hurt

I would have to remember when I woke up what will never happen

How in that moment he passed on by I wish I had seen him

I wish my only chance to see him hadn’t been marred by the reality outside

I wish I’d met him I wish

I wish I’d had a second chance

But chances don’t exist

And I dreamt of you

But what does that even mean to you?

Nothing

Nothing

Just like me

I always

Always

Shrunk away from him

From the moment it all started

His music makes my skin crawl

His presence makes me run to the one crawling in my skin

Now I just look despondent at the place he never is

And I point backwards

I went through that whole list of things I loved

Many other greats slipped past my fingers

But every time he came

I folded in

Now I just look despondent at the place he isn’t

Because they told me