Elucidating Questions

So here we are in the city watching buildings growing up with better care than humans

And the eyes keep drifting elsewhere but my heart is on repeat

Practising words that it doesn’t know yet and making sure they’re set

And I have this persistent image in my mind of this building and him

Standing outside with his foot up on the wall like he’s a part of the backdrop of the city

Not a rich boy with too much time on his hand

Just another person who happened to be here at a time

Just a person

Just part of the background

And even though it’s never happened and there’s no way it could now

My mind teases me with these images

Because it knows what I want

せめて、せめて、「彼」と出会いたいんです…

You’re perfect for eachother

A woman on the bus says to the couple infront of me

Are they?

Can they be?

Is there a way to be perfect?

Made for each other?

It pings around my mind like a ball through blocks

ある?

ある?

ある?

I wonder, as it hits and rings ある? like a bell

If such a thing could be real

I hardly believe it anymore

Is believing blindly in something naïve or stupid? Both?

How can I when I’ve never seen it

Perfect for eachother

At one time I believed I really was

And so was he

So few times I told your fortune

The few times I only saw the worst

But mine were worse

And how they terrified me

Those whispered futures

Thinking I’d created a demon I erased it

But the demon all along was the doubt which crept in

Afraid and alone

I was afraid and alone and scrambling because I felt everything slipping

And those who came went again

And otherwise they didn’t come

So I swallowed the doubt into my soul

Lost myself inside the hole

Where all was left was his love that I needed to live

Kept alive but a burning heart

Kept alive by a wildfire

In that dark place I wept and turned

All I could hear was how it burned

Fear and doubt doubled to the worst

Long lost love love of the first

Graves of names

Lost litanies latent

Whispered in the trees

Sweet softening sorrows

Stone graves of names

World wildly wailing

Those who won’t return

Yet they remain

Thank god he dyed his hair

Because he from last year just walked past and the

Thump

Of my heart

And the

Skip

Of the beat

Left with

At least I got to see what it would be like to see him for a moment

The moment before I thanked God for his personal choice to rewind to

To beautiful

He’s always beautiful

I wish it had been him

I don’t need anything

Any tomorrow without you is meaningless

How could you laugh when I was so lonely?

But before despair I will become a light that can be seen from anywhere

Even though I’ll never see you again

I hope our memories stay sweet in your mind

Though there is no guarantee

I still take a chance on you

If you’d take a chance on me

If you change your mind