Elucidating Questions

Suicide

Is not beautiful

Is not ugly

Is rather a sun that has collapsed into itself

Its sheer mass lost in a hole so void

Of blackness and destruction

Of pain and hurt

All the sorrow and pain you felt handed off to loved ones and people who didn’t even know they loved you until it was too late

Why did you hand your pain to your loved ones?

How could you choose to share such a thing
And it consumes

The void that grows as the sorrow flows into it

The explosion reverberating into space

Do other stars collapse in response?

I won’t go

You won’t have me

I’ll stay here kicking and screaming I’ll drag him along with me through life

Somehow I’ll defeat this beast

No super nova, no black hole

Can I claim a quiet death where people miss me with no shock or pain

Just the knowledge I lived

Can I ask you to stay with me?

Just remember,

No surrender

We can get out of this alive

I used to wonder how could you possibly have gone so long holding a candle burnt to the end

But I realised this moment that you could never forget

Constantly your own words haunt you

Followed around by your speeches set in gold on repeat

Your own little cage

How unfortunate

Well now I hope they don’t haunt you as they did

Perhaps they seem different to you now

It would be good if that was how it was

Of course I’m thinking of you again

It’s like a constant background noise

And I don’t have notes following me around with the same old words of desperation and despair

My love for you burned so bright it couldn’t exist

Perhaps there is somewhere that a star shone so bright it couldn’t

A picture of my heart

Wouldn’t it be lovely if I could find my happy ending

At least now I understand you better

Learning in silence

It’s Valentine’s again

People who have someone parade it out for everyone to see

Look at me I’m in love

They should be allowed to be happy

I just feel a day that only celebrates two kinds of love is missing the mark

There are so many kinds of love

And as someone who has lived a life without any real romantic or sexual love it’s just a bitter reminder that I’ve been left out of something I was told my entire life was my destiny.

Why don’t we celebrate gentle love, and platonic love, and that love that comes from best friendship, celebrate the love between a human and an animal, the love of ourselves, hell, celebrate unrequited love and give a hoot and a yell for every time you handed your heart to someone else only to have them crush it beneath their boot

Valentine’s is all red.

All passion. All truly madly deeply. All between one lover and another.

Very intimate

I believe love should be shared, but people, so many people, believe that love comes in one colour

No one talks about that tiny blue flame that stays a lit years later burning hotter than any fire

Or the way it burns sometimes

My Valentine is someone else’s Valentine

Every year. Ever after.

I went to a party today

A party for a shining ball of fire

Humans are rarely stars but when they are they are beautiful

This human, so rare. Such exuberance.

Such sweet, ripe, emotions. Like their emotions are each a fruit to be tasted.

Ah to see such a beautiful human

Not merely to gaze upon, but even to speak with

I am not without appreciation for the ability to be a bright person.

Myself being such a dark, shaded, brooding colour.

And to think, I was invited along with such a wonderful crowd.

I thought perhaps I can be wonderful too

Stars always collect the most interesting things around them.

Adorable little kleptomaniacs.

This star is no different, such a wonderful collection

I was a part of it but for a moment but that moment was like spending a day in the sun

Good things to all of them, I pray, I hope, I think of for them.

Like a cherub or a faerie

So sweet

Happy birthday sweet star fae. Thank you for inviting me.

There’s something about about calling people who live somewhere “local”, there’s something about citizenship, boarders

There’s something about them that just make me a bit uncomfortable

My blood comes from Celts whose clans were their place

There is wildness in me that I feel every day

How I interpret the world

How I experience the world

But to be a local, to be a citizen, to have boarders

Is to feel one has a claim over the land

Over the wildness and the impossible to predict conditions

Do you own the Earth when she quakes?

Do you own the Earth when the storm blows down trees and carries umbrellas accidentally left open away for miles?

Can you own it?

The wild creeps in

Familiar with

But you cannot own the land

She is but herself only herself

I wish we lived in a world that knew you cannot own the Earth

That knew if you tread to hard she would buck you off and away

Perhaps blow you off into space if she so feels

Heck if the Sun so feels.

Things unthought of will happen

It’s already happening

My diary at the end of the world

That was odd

The song skipped and I got lost in the music for a moment

How rarely that happens

I revisit your music

Relive every note

Play the lyre

Ride every guitar line

Follow the bass

Play the piano and the violin with my soul

I could bet you I know these songs better than you

You their creator

You’ll never believe that I know you well

Oh but the very sound, the very string of notes, the very feeling

I know them better than I know myself

And now you sit in ever after,

Is it all you hoped it to be?

Well go marching in then

You’ll never know the colours of my soul from a distance of nothing in comparison to the distance I am from where I wish I could be

Some how

Somehow I am left without while you live in luxury

I wonder what the purpose of the exercise was in the first place?

That someday I’d be big enough for you to love me

Nevermind the childish dreams of a mind gone under one too many times

I wish I could know you like I know your songs.