Elucidating Questions

I used to think lying was evil

And then I counted every little like I tell everyday

I’m fine

I’m good

Oh, you know, just living!

All lies.

All things I tell people to placate them

Even thinking all that I still thought that must mean I was evil

Every time someone misgenders me and I don’t correct them and I am safe pretending to be a woman for a moment

But then I thought, I am forced into these lies

People don’t ask how you are expecting any answer

And exactly how many people can I tell my pronouns to before someone takes offense to my existence?

This society that forces us to lie to survive

Forces us to deny ourselves over and over again

Humans had infinite possibilities and they chose this one and choose to continue despite life sucking because life’s “supposed to suck”

We were not born to suffer

We were born to make a paradise

Instead we have this

And all these little lies society forces us to tell

While simultaneously being told our lies are evil.

What I live for isn’t the compliment

It’s the look on their face when they see something they love

That mix of joy and wonder

I enjoy it when I feel it

I want to share that feeling

Adorned in all the colours with the shiny and the hearts

It’s me, but it’s also the reaction they have

See the compliment isn’t for me it’s for the thing

Compliments aren’t for me

I can never trust them

But to bring a spark of joy to someone’s life

It’s to make someone else’s face light up

All this I adorn for the audience’s sake

But at least it’s things I like now

I used to roam at night like I owned the streets

How many years has it been since I stepped foot outside to leave at night?

And now the darkness taunts me

The lights are glaring

Drunk people are yelling

I am afraid of the dark

Alone as usual

All 159cm of me

What am I going to do when the night turns on me?

How can I be confident without the sun the moon or the stars to guide me?

Terrified of the possibilities

The Earth is here

Funny how the very one I’m standing on goes unnoticed

It’s hard to feel guided by something so close and so large

Which is funny because, really, she is who I should turn to at night

May the Goddess guide me to daylight

May she guide us all

I am blessed to be only afraid of the dark

I live in a world where the day does not being terrors

I wish everyone could join me

It’s not the dark that scares me it’s the things in the dark

Human beings are scary enough during the day, they’re too much at night

At least I have my music to hide in

May our epic composer return once more

Happy All Hallows Eve

Morning

Eh, it’s eve somewhere

Heck it’s over in Japan

I hope they had a good one

It’s not the dressing up for me

Nor the candy

Most people don’t perceive it

But the ancestors come through clearer around this time of year

I listen in and accept the messages

They probably don’t feel the rush of warmth like a hug when they think of Chester

It’s a peculiar thing to explain to people who don’t get it

And people who think they do but don’t

The vibes change

Haha then how to explain vibes

Nevermind it

However you traverse Hallowe’en,

May your spirits guide you

Tred fair

Well that was a new one

Seeing someone I haven’t seen in probably over ten years and she’s pregnant

お大事に the tiny life and the older life I once knew

Got up the courage to say something,

Wished them both the best

That’s what you do when you meet someone who was once a child before you

And is now a mother

Right?

God, do you see this?

I’m so frozen in place

See all these people lapping me?

This was your plan for me?

何度もすれ違い人と出会って別れ合う？

That is a strange thing for life to be

Why does no one stick to me?

お大事に

Over and over again

It’s just one more goodbye.

I wonder if I’ll ever stop masking

Masking my neurodivergency

Masking my physical health and ability

I wonder if I’ll ever be in a place safe enough to show someone my actual face

Literally masking not just for health reasons but so people can’t see my expression

Masking, masking, masking

Hiding away every something that makes up me

Angry that sick is something that makes up me

When they think they can see it they’re only seeing

What I’m letting them see

It’s lonely, you know

In this world where no one knows me

I don’t think I have been able to be me long enough for even me to know me

I’m some kind of something

No one’s ever seen

I wonder if I’ll ever be free

To be me